The Sanders Family

Faith and Football

2008-04-14T09:00:00.005-04:00

(A quick disclaimer, it has only been in the past 2 years that I have really been watching football games, so if I'm a little off on what positions do, give me grace and ask Tank to correct me.)

Life is football. As we learn about God and Jesus and the Bible and the Holy Spirit (whether we're 2 or 50 when that process begins) it's like we're training and getting ready for the draft. We're learning the basic plays, understanding the rules, figuring out how we fit onto the team. We might even play a little college or semi-pro.

At some point, we realize that we want to play for real, and so to play for a team, we have to make a commitment. We ask to be a part of the team, and the owner/coach wants us on His team because He knows what we're capable of so he gladly accepts. That's recognizing Jesus as the Lord and Savior of your life. We sign our contract to be a part of the team and we put on our jersey. That's baptism. (and we do that knowing that the owner/coach of the team already asked us to be on the team, and even forked out what it would cost for us to wear the jersey.)

Once we're signed, we keep training, but the games start as well. This is life and ministry and service to others. Some of us come onto the teams as kickers. We're the ones who get the game into motion. Some of us are linebackers or defensive ends. Much of our work for the team comes in the form of helping other members play better. Some of us are quarterbacks or wide receivers or running backs. We are the ones who make the big touchdowns.

Over the course of the season, we win some, we lose some. (The goal of course being to have more wins than losses.) We have great plays that we will never forget, and we have huge interceptions and fumbles that we wish we could. But as long as we're willing to stay on the team and do our part, the coach/owner isn't going to trade us.

And then comes the Super Bowl. We're up against a team that's pretty cocky. They see themselves as 18-0 and about to make history. (For the record, I wonder where they sent all of those 19-0 shirts they couldn't sell?) While the final match-up won't be 50-50 in terms of wins, we are up against a team that does make some great plays every single day and their roster is growing all the time. But we have a HUGE advantage: our coach has never called a bad play; theirs has screwed up everything he's ever done.

Judgement Day is the Super Bowl. And there is no question which team will win. And as the confetti rains down, THE Coach will look at us and say, "You asked to be on my team, you wore the jersey, you made a point to practice. You showed up for games and you played the part I asked you to play. Because of that I'm giving you a signet ring and sending you to my House for a HUGE celebration." He doesn't see the fumbles and the interceptions. He just sees that you're wearing his jersey and that you were part of the team.

Here's the thing. To be on the team, you have to acknowledge the coach as the one charge. You don't just get to walk onto the field and do what you want to do. To be one the team, you've got to wear the jersey. To be on the team, you have to show up for practice and workouts. To be on the team, you have to be a part of the game - you can call him coach, you can wear the jersey, but sitting in the stands or on your couch with the remote control watching other people play the game does not make you a part of the team.

So as we wait for Sept. 4 to roll around so we can start cheering for Tank again, ask yourself this: have I signed on to the team? Am I wearing my jersey? Am a practicing daily so that I am a better player? Am I playing the position He's asked me to play? And am I ready for the Super Bowl?

Casting Crowns and American Idol

2008-03-07T12:54:00.004-05:00

Last night Jimmy and I went with 10 others from our church to see Casting Crowns, Leeland, and John Waller in concert in Columbus. It was an amazing concert, an incredible night, and such a awesome chance to just praise God. If you get the chance, see them!

*************

I have to ask: do people think they can go on American Idol and their deepest darkest secrets will NOT come out? A former-stripper, a DUI, who knows what's next to come. Just a hint: don't go on the #1 show in America and think nobody will find out about the things you used to do. They will.

Here Comes the Sun

2008-03-03T08:48:00.003-05:00

Wow I have really been horrible about my blogging lately. But really, it's for your own good. You don't want to hear what's been on my mind lately. I learned a couple of years back that we're not supposed to let other people know when we're hurting because they usually use it against you later. So on to cheerier things:

THE SUN IS FINALLY OUT!!!!!!!!!

I am so sick and tired of winter. Enough already! Rumor has it we're getting an ice storm this week, but please, please, PLEASE let this be the last of it. I swear I want to go find that ground hog and shoot it.

Here are some snow pics for those of you who aren't on Facebook and didn't get to see them!

GO GIANTS!!!!!

2008-01-30T14:03:00.000-05:00

For those of you who don't know,

we actualy care about the Super Bowl this year!!!

Our friend, Tank Daniels

plays for the New York Giants

and in his 2nd year in the NFL is headed to the BIG GAME.

Tank played for Harding while we were there and we went to church at Downtown together.

We got to be friends with Tank and his wife Courtney

through our "Searcy family" The Woodells.

We are thrilled for them

and will be going crazy on Sunday

(as we have been for much of the season)!!

12 Christmas Facts About Me ...

2007-12-17T22:06:00.000-05:00

Okay, it's been forever since I blogged, but my friend, Suzie, tagged me on her blog, and in the spirit of keeping up with the Jones' ... or in this case, the Estes', I'll share

12 Christmas Facts About Me ...

12. I love snow for Christmas. But much earlier than Thanksgiving and much later than Groundhogs Day and I'm not a happy girl. I dream of a white Christmas, not a white Mother's Day.

11. We have two trees: one filled with red/white/blue ornaments and decorations. It stays on our enclosed front porch with my other red/white/blue Christmas decor. The other is in our family room, and the only "scheme" to it, is that it is covered with sentimental ornaments. Stuff from my childhood and from Jimmy's, stuff our kids have made, ornaments that were given to us as gifts, ornaments that symbolize special moments.

10. We have a Christmas village which we display on our hutch. Each year we try to buy one new building for it. Last year we got Cooper's General Store (it came with that on it, we didn't write that in!!!). This year we hope to get a coffee shop. We'll see. I also have one of those green ceramic trees with tiny lightbulbs. It's a family thing.

9. I love the extremes of our families. I love the crowdedness and chaos of being will all 18 Sanders downstairs around the tree pigging out on peanut butter fudge and hot spiced tea. But I also love the calm of the 7 Kondrups in my Mom and Dad's living room, my mom realizing she mistagged an item, all of us trying to undo all the tape she and Marc use, and later NOT missing the jello.

8. My favorite Christmas CDs are: all three Amy Grant Christmas Albums, Jim Brickman's Christmas album, and any chance I have to listen to Josh Groban sing O Holy Night.

7. I really like getting people stuff more than I like getting stuff. I LOVE buying people presents and if I could, everytime I saw something someone would like I would buy it for them.

6. Abby and I make pumpkin rolls to give to people around us that we can't shop for, like neighbors and teachers and friends from church. This past weekend we made 14 pumpkin rolls. Tonight we all went together to deliver some of them. It's also a great chance to check out Christmas lights!

5. We encourage belief in Santa Claus. Deceptive though it may be, it's neat to watch your kids wonder if the one they're seeing at Breakfast with Santa or at the mall or at school is THE REAL ONE or one pretending to be THE REAL ONE, and to help them solve dilemmas like, "How will Santa know to leave our presents at Nana's?"

4. Every year I want to start my Christmas shopping at 3 a.m. the day after Thanksgiving but have yet to do it. 2008 maybe!

3. My two favorite Christmases were 2001 and 2004. My presents were delivered in Nov. of those years, and included c-section scars, but were totally worth it.

2. I miss having all of my Dad's family around my grandparents' table at Christmas time.

1. I'm sad for Christians who won't celebrate Christmas as Christ's birth because "he wasn't born in December." WHO CARES!!! Yes, we celebrate it everyday of our lives, but a lot of people don't, so if in December He's crossing their minds, we're stupid to ignore that.

Now I tag Teresa, Amy and Jeff.

Rose-Tinted Glasses

2007-09-25T16:39:00.000-04:00

A brand new me. Well, after having basic, thin, gold frames since about ... 11th grade, I went for a new look today and got new glasses. Tell me what you think ...

Shhh ...

2007-09-19T08:34:00.000-04:00

Abby broke my heart this morning. As I walked her into school (and for the record, she likes it that way. I've offered to pull up and drop her off and she wants me to walk her in!) I was singing this little song about how much I love her and how curly he hair is and how funny she is and how ... you get the point. So I'm singing - not loudly, mind you - and Abby says, "Shhh." My mouth dropped in shock. "I'm your mother," I reminded her, "and I can sing about how much I love you anytime and anywhere I want to!"

*****

It's funny to watch Cooper at this age. He's the age Abby was when I was pregnant with him. I can remember being horribly sick every morning, and how I set myself up so the mornings weren't so hard. See, if I got up early and had to get moving right away, I yakked. So the night before, I got a sippy cup ready and in the fridge, put dry cereal in a bag for her, and set the TV to NickJr. She'd wake up, tell me she was up, and go about her day until I could function. I do something similar with Cooper. He eats with Abby and while I take her to school, he drinks his juice and watches Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. (Dad is upstairs sleeping. He doesn't get home until 2 a.m.)

*****

Speaking of moments with kids - when Abby was this age (and younger) Jimmy, Abby and I did a lot of walked from our apartment to campus and around campus. Jimmy being in school gave us a lot of time as a family that most dads, at least, don't get while their kids are young. Now that she's in school and with Jimmy on 2nd shift, we get that one-on-one time with Cooper. We play and go on walks and ... it's nice.

*****

I love that my kids love each other so much. I love that they love seeing each other in the morning and that they love saying good night to each other. I hope it's a bond that stays loving, and doesn't take the annoying twist that many siblings go through.

I can hope.

Six Years Later

2007-09-11T09:34:00.000-04:00

(I took this photo in May 2000 when I took Jim, Genise and Chris to New Jersey and New York to visit. I didn't take them to the towers, figuring we'd see them the next time.)

Today we again remember that Tuesday morning. Where we were, what we thought about as we heard the news. How we felt as we began to realize this was no accident.

But today we also think about where we are now. That unity of a nation, that was so strong in the dust of those towers, seems to weak right now. Do we need daily to see those towers falling, hear the stories of heroes and of cowards and see the list of names to never forget what was done to us?

Maybe so. As a Christian, it's easy for me to forget what I've done to God. And sometimes I think I do need daily reminders or the damage I do, and of the Hero who has rescued me from the falling life I was in. I don't ever want to forget the sacrifices made by Christ for me; and I don't ever want to forget the sacrifices made by so many Americans on Sept. 11, 2001.

(Taken last December when Jimmy, the kids, Amber and I went into Manhattan. The rebuilding is inspirational. It is not Ground Zero anymore. It is the World Trade Center. Nearby is a memorial museum with some amazing things to see. )

(Photographs of people who were never recovered.)

(This display records two very powerful statements:)
"These acts shattered steel but they can't bend of the steel of American resolve." President George W. Bush

"On that terrible, a nation became a neighborhood, and all Americans became New Yorkers." Governor George Pataki

These last images are photos of postcards available for purchase there.

1) The jacket of firefighter Jonathan Ielpi recovered from Ground Zero;
2) A piece of shatterproof glass recovered from Ground Zero;
3) A handgun recovered from Ground Zero, damaged in the collapse and melted in the fires that burned for weeks;
4) A flag recovered from Ground Zero

Sanders Star Students

2007-09-10T19:08:00.000-04:00

Today, both of my kids were in school.

It was strange, taking Cooper to Park St. at 8 a.m. It's 'B' week and today was Bubble Day, so he went today instead of his usual Tuesday. His dad left his backpack at home so we had to back later and drop it off. More about that later.

After that we took Abby to school. I walked her in to remind her teacher that starting today Emma, the daughter of our friends Jeff and Jill, would be getting Abby after school. It seemed a bad day for kindergartners. Of the 60-something kids there, I think 20 were crying or had been. Thankfully, Abby wasn't one of them.Jimmy and I went back home and went back to sleep for a while.

After our nap, I went to the bank by myself, dropped some papers of at her school by myself, visited my friend at her coffee shop by myself, and then - went to Walmart by myself. It was nice. It reminded me of the first days Abby was in preschool in Searcy. I remember one day going to Walmart and feeling like something was missing. Like I left something at home that should be with me. Of course, at that point I was 8 months pregnant with Cooper, so I wasn't totally by myself!

I had a project I wanted to get done. I bought a magnetic dry erase board to display special papers they bring home, and to write down things we need to remember for school. It's hung in our mudroom above the hooks for their back-packs.

Jimmy asked if we could keep a shopping list there, and I explained to him again that it was for school paperwork, and projects and reminders. It was there by their back-packs, by the back door, so we wouldn't forget the backpacks. It was a "school-stuff station." His reply was, "Wow. I didn't realize I had married Martha Stuart."

Speaking of which. Have you seen the goth-Martha Stuart on the cover of her magazine. Yikes.

Our First First Day of School

2007-09-05T08:50:00.000-04:00

I watched a mom lead her son into a nervous breakdown this morning and kept thinking, "Geez, lady. The kid isn't freaking out because he's starting school, he's freaking out because his mom is freaking him out!!" And I looked past him to Abby who was sitting at her spot and talking to the kids at her table, and I was pretty proud of her.

It didn't phase her to go there. She was so eager to start this and to figure out the routine and the way things happen in kindergarten. She wanted to talk to everyone and wanted to do anything teacher asked or needed. Every time we've walked in the room (three, so far) her eyes have been wide with wonder and curiosity to see what the room would hold.

But see, while I realize this is a very ... unhumble attitude, I was proud of me this morning. See, I am thrilled she's in school. She soaks things up and I absolutely LOVE discovering all of the new things she knows and is able to do. I am so excited to watch her grow and learn. And not because I don't love where she is now. I learned quickly to love where my child was at, and not with to go back or forward. I see her in her classroom and I wonder is her maid-of-honor in the room? Maybe the guy she'll marry? What role will these kids and this teacher play in who she is? But most of all, I see her in there and I am so thankful to have a beautiful (the most), healthy, funny, loving, and for a 5 year-old pretty spiritual little girl. And I'm excited to see the role she plays in who they are.

Of course, I just lost my "Keep an eye on your brother/Go get me the .../Put this in the .../Go ask .../" person every day. Okay, now I'm a wreck.

Waiting in the gym to go to her room!

Her teacher, Miss McGinty!

Her CatPack. ACU sends this to all children of alumni when they turn 5!

The Last First First Day of Preschool

2007-08-30T13:15:00.001-04:00

Tuesday was an exciting day in our house - we had our last first first day of preschool. Like his sister, because of his birthday, Cooper will likely go to preschool for three years. This first year is only one day a week. Next year, he'll go two days a week. And the following he'll go three days a week. And then finally, in 2010 (YIKES!) he'll start kindergarten.

But Tuesday was just the first first day of preschool. He's going to Park Street, where Abby went last year and where a friend from church is the director. Which worked out well on Tuesday. See, I've been kind of hesitant to send him because he's not entirely potty-trained yet. Close, but ... Anyway, Kathy insisted he do fine. So Monday night we went to Open House. He wet his pants there. Tuesday morning he was dressed and ready to go. He pooped his pants. WE got to school and he immediately forgot we were there and went to playing. I'm sure it helped that he was used to being there when Abby was.

Abby and I enjoyed some Mommy-Daughter time together. At some point it hit me that the first time I took her to preschool (when Carpenter's Kids was still only Thursday School), I was pregnant with him. Wow.

At 12:30, she, Jimmy and I went to the school to pick him up. We found him wearing different clothes then we sent him in. I'm thinking, "He peeed (how many e's are in peeeeed?) his pants." Actually, he threw-up. All over the front of Kathy.

He's traumatized, I'm sure. I see drop-out in his future.

Well, here's some pictures from that morning. Before the vomit.

A Wonderful Exhaustion

2007-08-27T15:01:00.000-04:00

After weeks ... well, really months ... well, really years of planning and working and dreaming, yesterday we dedicated our new church building to God and to His service. It was a busy weekend, full of reunions with friends and family who have moved away, laughter about old times, tears about old times, and tears about times to come. Lots of crying ... but most celebrations are somewhat incomplete without tears being shed.

We had a lot of visitors yesterday and that was awesome, for two reasons. First, it was such a blessing to have so many we know and love there with us to celebrate. My parents were there, Trav and Debbie were there (he preached there for 23 years and is like a 2nd father to Jimmy,) and many other people had their families there with them for services that morning, for lunch, and then for our dedication service that afternoon.

But there was something else awesome about that day. It gave us a sense of what the church here could be. We had 9 babies in our jungle-themed nursery. Our table only holds 8!! There were 24 of us packed into the teen room. We've got to upgrade soon! They had to pull out chairs for services because the 300 they set up were filled.

And the singing. Oh the singing. The songs of a worship service often bring me closer to God than the sermon (no offense, Jeff,) and yesterday was amazing. Here's where I take a second and tell you that Dennis Morgan is incredible at leading worship. I wish he could do it every week. Our songs, our prayers, the words spoken to encourage us, the time around the table - as I sat there in that new, God-given multi-purpose room, I thought, "It can be like this every week!!!" I would love it if 6 months from now, we are already needing to build more classrooms!!! (I don't know if any of our elders read this, but if so, they just ordered a mafia hit on me.)

It was a blessing to be a part of the team that planned the day. But that day is over. And now comes the real work. Construction of a building is a lot easier, and a lot less important than the construction of souls. So now we must forget about carpet colors and light fixtures, and get busy being used as God's tools to build others up. More on that soon ...

Refiner's Fire

2007-07-30T13:51:00.000-04:00

Well ... it's here. This day our church has been waiting for and working toward for at least 6 years. Monday, everything in our building was carried out. Everything was gone through and sorted and packed or tossed and slowly, this room that only days ago was filled with stuff, is now almost empty. Yesterday we were the Steele Ave. church of Christ. Now we are the Ashland church if Christ.

I feel like somewhat of a professional when it comes to moving. While I've never moved out of a church building, I have lived in 20 homes in my life. (That number doesn't count brief times of shacking up with the in-laws before moving into our house ... twice.) And in the packing process, and again in the unpacking process, I tend to do a lot of throwing away. And this process has been funny. To be in a church - where we're taught that things don't matter - and yet to many times hear, "You can't throw that away! ... " followed by a story of who made it or when it was used or why they got it in the first place. One man's trash really is another man's treasure, I guess. So as we moved out on Monday, I did a lot of asking an elder what to do with something. Ironically enough, several times I was told, "Throw it away." Don't get me wrong. I am a sentimental person. Cause they better not have chucked the big spinning wheel Jimmy and the teens made when they were getting ready for Breezewood in 2002.

We'll have a few days of most of our stuff being in storage. The lease we signed with the church that will be using our old building starts today, and in fact as we carried some stuff out, they carried some stuff in. Our new building is 99% done, final inspections will be done this week. Sunday we will have service in the pavilion on our property and, Lord willing, on Aug. 12 we will have Sunday morning service and Bible class inside.

What will this body look like a year from now? What will it look like 5 years from now? When they honor the graduates the year Cooper finishes high school, will we laugh about the day when he peed in the toilet off of the new nursery before there was running water? (We didn't know until after he came out saying, "Mommy, I went pee-pee in the potty!) When Abby walks down the isle, will we remember how excited she was everytime we went to see the progress and the energy with which she ran toward the stage?

A building is NOT a church, the people inside are. And yet, this building could refine the body that meets there. With the focus and love of God as our model, I hope we never stop being refined, in our lives, in our relationships, in our homes and in our churches.

Refiners fire.
My heart's one desire.
Is to be - holy.
Set apart for you, Lord.
I choose to be - holy.
Set apart for you, my master.
Ready to do your will.

Leaving the Bad

2007-07-29T22:00:00.000-04:00

Tonight our church had an ice-cream social. It kind of felt like just another fellowship time. Ice cream and sharing stories and laughter. But it wasn't. Tonight we said said Farewell to Steele Ave. See, later this week we'll move into our new facility. It's an exciting time, and long-awaited time, and a scary time. Exciting because ... well, most new things are. Long-awaited because this project has been in development for at least 6 years. And scary because, as they say, you can take the girl out of Jersey, but you can't take Jersey out of the girl. Or better said, the building doesn't determine the strength and effectiveness of a church.The people inside do. If we pick up and move everything in the building on Steele Ave. into the building on West Main St., there could be some real problems.

I have some great memories at Steele Ave. I met my husband there. We were married there (even tried to burn the place down.) It was the first church our daughter ever went to. The first kids we will ever call "our kids" were the teens there from 2000-2002.

Those memories drive my love for the church here. It is the place that brought Jimmy and I together. Those kids started our love for ministering to others, especially young people. And though all of them have finished high school, we still love them today and want this church to be an awesome place for them, for those who are teens and children now. Those memories will go with me, keeping alive a fire for the work God has called us to do.

But I have some painful memories there as well. I sat by my mother as a statement was read that hurt my family deeply. I have had leaders and other members who have been hateful to me. I remember being in church one Sunday when a man very special to us was no longer in the room. I have sat on that front pew with people I love as they cried, asking for prayers for strength, forgiveness and love.

See, if I take all those with me, I will always be limited by the times I have been hurt. And I'll be honest. It's held me back since we moved from Searcy. There are times when certain words, songs, and worst of all, people, bring it all back. And I would guess that everyone else there has a mix of good and bad memories that could be brought along. If we all bring our bad stuff with us, we might fill too much of this great space with stinky, rotting garbage. So here's to taking the good, and leaving the bad.

Unfortunately that's easier typed that done.

Would You Rather ...

2007-07-26T20:25:00.000-04:00

Teens love this game. You know, where someone says, "Would you rather eat out of a feeding trough with a cow for 20 minutes or lick a pig's nose for 20 minutes?"

Well here's the one plagueing the Sander's family these days:

Would you rather have one violent episode of horried vomiting in the middle of the night or have a bad head cold for four days?

Jimmy and I chose the vomiting, as did his sister, Rebecca. My mother and father-in-law, as well as Becca's kids chose the cold, and it's looking like Cooper has as well. So what's your pick?

Hard Habits to Break

2007-07-20T14:02:00.001-04:00

There are some things that are just really hard to stop doing. Things that your mind just can't seem to remember it doesn't have to remember. Here are the things my brain continues to do, though I really should stop and free up my hard drive memory for other things:

If I see a gold Chevy Venture, I look to see if it's Heather. Never mind that they don't live here. Never mind that they sold the Venture a year ago.
I cannot remember my phone number in Searcy (any of the 3 we had) but I still remember the number at the people's home where Jimmy worked here in Ohio before and for the first two years we were married.
I saw Tanya Leckie at the Michaels in Mansfield, Ohio yesterday. Tanya Leckie lives in Searcy, Arkansas. But still I saw her from the back and started to say hello. Until I remembered that she doesn't live here, nor is she visiting. At least she better NOT be visiting and not letting us know. If you see Tanya, in Arkansas or in Ohio, tell her I saw her in Michaels.
At the Monmouth Church of Christ in Tinton Falls, New Jersey, when someone comes up out of the water after being baptized the entire church sings, "Oh, praise the Lord! All ye nations ..." (282 in Songs of Faith and Praise, 79 in Songs of the Church and 46 in Great Songs of the Church.) It's second nature. I'm still not sure a baptism "counts" without it. (For those wondering, that last statement is dripping in sarcasm.)
I cannot call the large, not-an-auditorium in our new church building the Multi-Purpose Room. It is the FLC. Get over it.
Amy Grant has a recording of "We're Mraching to Zion" on her Legacy album that begins with bagpipes. Listening to the song, you start to believe you truely are marching somewhere amazing, and you're marching with a huge crowd of people. Singing it without those bagpipes doesn't have the same effect.

What things does your brain seem to stick with?

Screwtape 2.0

2007-07-12T18:03:00.000-04:00

Today's post is a redirect to someone's else's blog. For a while now, I have been following the Rivers and Rubicons series on Patrick Mead's blog. Today he took a break from that to present Screwtape 2.0. It is a letter written in the same style as C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters. Mead explains: Lewis wrote his book as a series of letters by a top ranking demon to his apprentice on earth. His explanations concerning faith, conversion, and how to keep people from truly following Jesus are priceless and timeless. My version isn’t either of those, but about twenty folk have asked me to post this since I read it last evening. And I am nothing if not obedient!

I encourage you to read it: http://patrickmead.net/tentpegs/?p=219.

Hey! Don't Touch Me There! These Are my Private Squares!

2007-07-11T13:26:00.000-04:00

Last night after I had tucked her into bed, Abigail came into my room with a heavy question, "Why does kissing make you married?"

I knew what she was wondering: She had seen our wedding video and perceived that the kiss at the end of the ceremony was what resulted in our being married. So I began to explain that the kiss didn't mean we were married, it was simply a special way of ending the ceremony. Then she asked, "Well, why do you kiss Daddy if you're already married?"

I knew what she was wondering: If the kiss was about the ceremony, why do we still kiss now? So I explained that when you get older, you meet someone who makes you feel kind of silly and giddy inside. You feel differently about them than any other boy you've ever known. And when you're ready, if you both feel that way, you decide to spend your life together. Then she asked - well, stated with a tone of uncertainty, "Well, boys CAN marry boys and girls CAN marry girls."

I knew what I was wondering: WHO IN THE HECK HAS BEEN TALKING TO MY KID?!?!??!?! I thought carefully before answering. So I explained that, no, the way God wants us to live is with a boy marrying a girl. I asked her if someone had told her it was okay to boys to marry boys and she said no one had, she just wasn't sure. Then she asked, "Why does God want boys to marry girls?"

I knew what she was wondering: what difference does it make. So began to explain that God made our bodies different so that we could love each other in a special way. And through that way, he takes a little of the mommy and a little of the daddy and makes a baby (which we had already told her.) Then she asked, "You mean how our private squares are different?" (Thanks Meredith Woodell for that fine little jingle she sings!)

I knew what she was wondering: how long can I milk this discussion so I don't have to go to bed? So I stopped explaining for the night. I told her, yes, it is about our private squares, and that she and I would talk some more about it. But not right then.

It scares me when I read that you should talk to your child about sex before they enter the 1st grade. Because they will hear about it in school. Not in sex ed class, but on the school bus, and on the playground.

So I finished our little chat by reminding her that if any of her friends or anybody else tries to tell her anything about her body or their body or anything that she thinks relates to private squares, she should ask Jimmy or I what is true. Maybe it's because I watch too much SVU, but I want to have a very open dialogue with my children about their bodies so they do know what is right and what is wrong.

Busy Days, Blessed Days

2007-07-08T09:01:00.000-04:00

Sorry it's been a while, we had a busy week. We enjoyed a wonderful Fourth of July. We spent most of the day at my in-laws swimming and eating and visiting with family and friends. That evening a bunch of us went to our preacher's house. Jeff and Jill and their kids live right behind our town's high school where the fireworks display is launched. It was the perfect spot: great views of the sky and great company!

Yesterday Abigail and I went on a special mother-daughter date. We're big fans of the Cold Stone Creamery and one opened about 20 minutes from us. It's in the town we go to when we go to the mall or the Christian bookstore or Target or ... well, just about anywhere besides Walmart. Abby and I were the 2nd and 3rd people to get ice cream there which was a lot of fun. She didn't know where we were going so when we pulled up and she could tell it was opening, she was thrilled.

Ashland just enjoyed it's annual Balloonfest. It's a lot of fun, lots of family-friendly things to do. We didn't do this one, but check out something The Slaters (preacher's family) did. Go Emma!!

Last night Jimmy, the kids and I went over for the festivities. Usually if we go we'll go over for the glow which is late at night. This time we went and ate extremely healthy fair food (yeah, right), the kids played on the inflatable toys, and then we spread out our blanket to watch the balloon launch. We sat in the heat for about an hour and a half, listening to them say, "It's going to be about 30 more minutes before we can launch." At 7 they said 30 more minutes and we decided to get the kids home (did I mention they're both sick?) So we loaded back in Jimmy's little red convertible and left the fields. Just as we left, we saw one launch, so back in we went and sat in our car (kinda neat to not have a roof!) watching 34 balloons lift off the ground and directly over our heads. I had no camera, so here's a couple of shots from my cell phone.

It was a great day.

New Language

2007-06-29T20:56:00.000-04:00

So I've decided to start posting my blog in a different languages. Please vote in the comments section which you'd prefer.

ългарски
hrvatski
Català
česky
Ελληνικά
Hindi
magyar
Indonesia
latviešu
lietuvių
polski
Português (Portugal)
Română
slovenčina
slovenščina
Українська
Tiêng Viêt

See My Monkey in Her Tree

2007-06-28T15:07:00.000-04:00

Abigail has recently started climbing trees and loves it. These were taken when we were at my parents' house Father's Day weekend. Hope you like them!!

The Church You Know

2007-06-26T13:16:00.000-04:00

I found some hysterical, rather blunt videos at http://www.thechurchyouknow.com/index.html, but I have to say a couple of them really made the point well. I really liked this one and the one titled Attendance. I'm posting one here, but check out the others and let me know which your favorite is. And let me know if you think they "cross the line."

As American As Apple Pie

2007-06-23T12:00:00.000-04:00

Well, today my daughter and I both did something for the very first time. We made our own pie crust. Now, it may not surprise you that Abby has never made pie crust. But I'm sure that some of you are thinking, "WHAT? Tiffany, you've never made your own pie crust?!?!?" (Lila, Tanya) I take comfort in knowing that others of you are saying, "WHAT? You can MAKE your own pie crust?" (Heather, Ashley)

We made mini-apple pies for supper club tonight. I had intended to use frozen pie crust, but couldn't get it to get down into the muffin tins right and messed them all up. So I searched through my cookbooks for a pie crust recipe. I found one in an old Joy of Cooking book that my mom and dad had given her dad back in 1971. Next problem? I didn't have any shortening. BUT WAIT! There! At the back of the cabinet! Crisco! So away we went. And here's the results:

Atheism

2007-06-19T21:17:00.000-04:00

"The single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.
Brennan Manning

Any thoughts or comments?

Kondrup's Subs Part 3: Reality

2007-06-18T21:16:00.000-04:00

We just got back from a day in NY state with a friend and a day in NJ with my grandparents, which included a wonderful visit with my youth group leaders, who we haven't seen in a couple of years. Then we spent a few days in Maryland with my parents and brother, which included a visit with my uncle who we don't get to see often and drinks from Sonic and ice cream from the Cold Stone Creamery. Who could ask for anything more?

This post nothing to do with church. I just thought some of you might want proof that my parents' DID own a sub shop. I have a scar on my chin to prove it, but I also found some pictures while I was at their house this weekend. The first is of the outside of the shop. Then my dad, then my brother piling on the lettuce, then my grandmother cutting meat! Enjoy! And I'll get a real post on here later this week!

Take My Life and Let It Be

2007-06-12T17:30:00.000-04:00

As much as I love some of the new, uplifting praise songs, there are some old hymns which will always speak directly to my heart. Today I listened to the WOW Hymns CD and I was reminded at the amazing words of Take My Life and Let It Be (lyrics by Frances R. Havergal.)

Take my life, and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise.
To be consecrated means to set apart and dedicate to a purpose. Imagine the results if we all lived daily, totally dedicating our lives to God. Imagine the results if we lived everyday constantly praising God!

Take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet, and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee.
Imagine the difference if the only actions our hands made were made at God's moving. If everything we did was led by the Father's love, and not our own desires. Beautiful feet are feet that are moving to bring the message of Christ to the world. Imagine if every step we took was working toward bringing more people to Him.

Take my voice, and let me sing, always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be filled with messages from Thee.
What if our voices, good or bad, sang always the praises of the God who made us. What if every single word that left our mouths were words of God. Not always quoting scripture, but always speaking words that God would want spoken. Imagine the difference in our marriages, our children, our jobs and our churches!

Take my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose.
Think of the money you waste on things that do not in any way glorify the Father. Imagine if that money went to the work of spreading the gospel. Imagine if our thoughts and our gifts weren't used for our own gain, but for the Father's.

Take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.
What if we wanted nothing more than the message of Christ shared the Father. What if our hearts were a throne. No one sits on a throne but the king. Who or what else do we let sit on the throne of our hearts?

Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.
Imagine if we gave everything for all of our lives to God. What would the world look like?

YouTube

2007-06-11T09:37:00.000-04:00

What did we do before YouTube? It is the best way to share videos with people. Now, there are some videos on there you wish people would not have shared, but these two are awesome!

This is a great spoof of the Mac vs. PC commercials right now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rhmgz5pxfDk

This one is a fake CD you can buy by calling a 1-800 number. I kinda wish it wasn't fake. I think it'd sell! You may have to watch it more than once. The first time the whole package is funny. Then watch it again and notice the song titles and Mike's singing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16fqyp8UPaA

Distance is Relative

2007-06-08T22:18:00.000-04:00

There are people you could not love more if they shared your DNA.

Strange people are everywhere. And we're glad. Cause they're so much fun to be with!

Get a choir robe and make $50 - what a way to say goodbye!

That was the last time he said, "Bite me."

Who says we don't believe in instrumental music?

Look out. Heather has a weapon. And a strange bandanna. Someday we'll be at this baby's wedding wondering where the time went. Ah, yes -- a dad's work is never done. Moments like these make me a fan of "Don't ask. Don't tell." There are stories that will only ever be funny to the people who were there. For everyone else, it sounds like a criminal act.

You know you're loved when a toddler shares their thumb with you.

Silliness is much more fun with a buddy! If you don't know this man, rent Big Fish. It's all about him.

(Ironically, most of the men in the pictures above are in full-time ministry!!!)

Close your eyes and think about the people you have had to say goodbye to because either you left or they left. Pull out your old pictures and laugh. Cry. Let yourself go back. Whether you still talk everyday or you lost touch a long time ago - remember. It's kind of a cheesy song, but I cry everytime I hear it:

Memories . . . light the corners of my mind
misty, water-color, memories
of the way we were!

Scattered pictures, of the smiles we left behind
smiles we gave to one another
for the way we were!

Can it be that it was all so simple then,
or, has time rewritten every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again,
tell me, would we, could we?

Memories . . . may be beautiful, and yet,
what's too painful to remember
we simply choose to forget.

So it's the laughter, we will remember,
whenever we remember,
the way we were.

I Need a Brownie

2007-06-08T20:23:00.000-04:00

I haven't scrapbooked since January. Now, I realize scrapbooking isn't as necessary for life as say eating or breathing or pooping. But for years it was pretty important for me. In fact, up until Jan., I wasn't behind. For you non-croppers (I should say something besides croppers, since I did just talk about pooping) --- For you non-scrappers, that means I was working on pictures that were fairly recent. This makes me an anomaly, but it was just because I started scrapping about the time Abby was born and from about the time we moved to Searcy, I cropped once a month. It made it easy to keep up.

I'm not anymore. I can't seem to find the energy.

It was easy in Searcy. Like I said, about once a month, my friends Cristy, and when she moved away, Kami, Creative Memories consultants, had a crop at our church. Everyone had their own table, we had snacks and there was a huge supply of papers and stickers and letters and tools on hand. The only thing you had to do beforehand to get some work done there was bring some pictures. Of course, getting work done once you got there, wasn't always easy, despite the surplus of things on hand. We did a lot of talking and a lot of laughing ... and a lot of eating.

I want to scrap more, but it's not as fun on your own. I've cropped three times since we moved back (four if you count the one in Jan., which wasn't actually here, it was in TN., with some of the girls I used to crop with.) Once was with other people. The other two were by myself. It's not the same.

I am still committed to a book a year for each of my kids. So I've got to get busy. I just wish I had some powdered sugar-topped brownies and my girls around to give me a kick-start.

What's In a Name?

2007-06-05T20:48:00.000-04:00

Okay, time for a not-so-heavy blog.

What's with the sudden popularity of the name Cooper? We picked it and suddenly every network feels the need to have a Cooper on one of it's shows?

You can know ten people named "Jeff" and love them all, but you know one with the same name and know that you could never name your child that. (No, Reverend, you are not the one that bumped the name off the list for us - not that we're having anymore kids!)

Abby wanted her most-recently born cousin Pink Rose Pitney. They went with Summer Ann instead, but Abby has insisted she's calling her Pink Rose anyway. We have another niece or nephew on the way and we're trying to convince mom to select LaToya LaKeish LaShawn LaSanders if it's a girl. So far, I don't think any of them are on her top five favorites.

When you are selecting the name for a child, it's so much more than what you like or what sounds good to you. Sometimes the names aren't bad until they are partnered with a first name. Here are some examples:

A teacher friend of ours was telling us about a student whose last name was Dye. The student's name is John. Which when attendance is called is funny. "Smith Joe Smith. Dye John Dye."
The same teacher knows of a Paige Turner.
When Jimmy was in HSBS, a fellow student had the last name Sheets. He married a girl named Taryn.
A friend of ours has the maiden name, Amy. I have to wonder if, pre-marriage, she was asked her last name and upon replying, "Amy," heard, "No, your LAST name." And as fate and true love would have it, her brother married a girl named, you guessed it, Amy. She is Amy Amy.
There's a guy we know whose last name is Stoffer (the o is pronounced "ah".) His first name is Chris. Well ... that's what he goes by. Cause if he used his full name, he'd be Christ'ah'pher-st'ah'pher. Which is what my kids call him.
Here are some other funny ones I found: Anne Teak, Neil Down, May Ann Naze, Rita Booke and Gene Poole.

So what funny names have you heard of?

Kondrup's Subs Part 2: Spiritual Condiments

2007-06-04T14:00:00.000-04:00

So we talked about how the bread can make or break a good sandwich. The meat and cheese determines if you're having a Reuben, an Italian, or a Belly Buster. The bread is the first thing you taste. But there's more to a good sandwich then meat, cheese and bread.

See this is where things get hairy. I hate mustard. It looks gross, it smells gross and it tastes gross. Put it on a sandwich and I ain't gonna eat it. I also don't like onions, unless they are deep-fried into the shape of a big flower and I can dip it in ranch dressing. And I do NOT relish relish under any condition. When I order a #6 at Danny's, I want mayo, lettuce, tomato, salt, pepper, oregano and oil and vinegar. Lots of oil and vinegar! Some of you are gagging at the thought, but it's MY SUB and it's the way my parents, especially my mom, taught me to eat a #6 (well, except the onions. I choose to leave those out because after doing my own study, I've come to believe they don't belong on my sub, despite my mom's teachings otherwise.)

We run into this at church as well. I know how I want the service to be. If I were ordering a #6 for church, here's what I would want on it: lots of singing. Upbeat, joyous songs of praise, but also deep, moving songs of love and confession. Songs that I've only known a few months, and songs I've been singing my whole life. I'd also like some prayer time. Not so much where someone just reads over the announcement list, but where someone truly speaks to the Father from their heart and you are moved by their words. I love to see God's work through someone's testimony, or a video that moves people to think, or a special song right for the day. For me, it's all of these spiritual condiments (Jimmy's term, not mine) that take a service from being edible to being incredible.

But what if your #6 had pickles and extra onions, no tomatoes and not a touch of oil and vinegar? And what if you're service only had a few select songs, more prayer time and no testimony? Would that be wrong? No. But I wouldn't want to be there. Just as you might not want to be at mine. And yet we're told that "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Rom 12:1818) How can we do that when you want onions and I want tomatoes?

I know how we handle it when a bunch of us gather around the table at 63 Washington St. See, I mentioned above that my my mom likes onions on hers. So when we order our #6, we ask that half have the onions and the other half don't. And when we sit down, I eat my part and my mom eats hers. In worship, can't we do the same? Can't we admit that much of our service consists of onions and tomatoes. Neither are bad, they just appeal to different tastes. And maybe I could not roll my eyes when you sing songs I think are stupid but that move you closer to the Father, and maybe you could be happy to see that sometimes I want to give my life to God so much that I want to lift my hands to Him?

Well, now I'm hungry. Thankfully, I'm going to Jersey in ten days and I can enjoy my oil and vinegar soaked sub - without onions. But I wonder how long it will be before we can all eat at the same worship table and actually enjoy the food we're eating.

Kondrup's Subs Part 1: Good Bread

2007-06-02T11:52:00.000-04:00

I like subs. When I'm in Searcy I eat at Lenny's at least once and when I'm in Jersey I eat at Danny's in Little Silver at least once. After I am the daughter of THE Kondrups. That's right. For all of you reading this who in the mid to late 70's spent some time on the Jersey shore, little town called Sea Bright, I am the little blond-haired girl who, while supposed to be napping, climbed the stack of cases of Coke bottles in the back of her parents' restaurant - Kondrup's Subs. My family knew, still knows, how to make a good sub. They know what kind of meat and cheese and "extras" should be on what bread to create a great taste.

Now let's talk "church services." I use that phrase to refer to the time a church body gathers together. We are told several things the early church did during that 60, but no more than 75, minutes each Sunday morning. They prayed, they sang, they had a lesson, they had the meal set to remind them of Christ's sacrifice. We usually do the same thing, and at most churches, our lesson and time of remembering are sandwiched in periods of singing.

So let's say back at Kondrup's Subs my dad has an awesome cut of meat and some delicious cheese. In walks Joe Smith and orders a sub. My dad takes this awesome meat and delicious cheese and puts it between some stale, slightly moldy bread. He wraps it up and hands it to Joe, who cannot wait for the yummy Kondrup Sub he's asked for. He opens it and takes a bite and it tastes nasty. The bread is so yucky that it ruins the taste of the meat and cheese.

Isn't that what a lot of church services are like? A preacher prepares a great lesson, which could really touch hearts and impact lives. The Lord's Supper is prepared and ready for us to reflect on. But we get there and all we can taste is old bread. Many times from the moment it begins, things seem so dry and flavorless, that by the time we get to the meat and cheese, we have no appetite at all.

Why do we do that? What makes our time of worship become stale? I have two reasons. The first is that it happens for the same reason bread becomes stale. Not the scientific reason, moisture, air, yada-yada-yada. But because the stale bread is the leftover bread. The bread that wasn't used when it was fresh. I think sometimes we do the same with God. We give the best, freshest part of us to our jobs, our hobbies, our interests. And then we give whatever energy we might have left to God. We get there, and all that's left is the last few dried out pieces of us. So we mumble through songs without giving a thought to the words. We fidget through prayers, check our watches every ten minutes, and take communion without giving much thought to why.

The other reason I think things get stale is because there is such resistance to using a new recipe or new kitchen tools. It's the big no-no for a lot of cooks. When you have a recipe that has worked well for years, why risk messing up the final product by changing something? Or if your regular baking pans make a good cake, why try out a new one? And yet some of the best, most delicious dishes have been created when a recipe was altered. I mean, at some point, somebody somewhere thought, "You know, this cookie is good, but imagine if we threw in some little pieces of chocolate?!"

I have talked to friends all over the country who are feeling this sense of hunger. Not for good subs or chocolate chip cookies, but for their church body's time together to be more than ritual. To be more than good meat between old bread.

(Look for Kondrup's Subs Part 2: Spiritual Condiments in a few days.)

Fruitcakes

2007-05-29T13:27:00.000-04:00

"Where’s the church, who took the steeple? Religion is in the hands of some crazy-ass people!" (from Fruitcakes by Jimmy Buffett)

Forgive the use of colorful language in that song quote, but it is so appropriate and true. I am a closet parrothead for two reasons: Jimmy Buffett's songs are so much fun to listen to and he is so honest in his lyrics. "Religion" does seem to be established and run or - to be more politically correct - led by people who seem so totally messed up.

The song ties well with a t-shirt Jimmy has. On the front it says: CHRISTIANITY IS NOT A RELIGION. On the back it says: RELIGION is HUMANS trying to work their way to God. CHRISTIANITY is GOD coming to men and women through a relationship with Jesus Christ.

When RELIGION is at work, we have a list of do's and dont's that we must stick to strictly or else our place with God is in jeopardy. When we are following a RELIGION, we develop our own Law of Moses. In Exodus 21-23, we're told all of the laws the Israelites were required to live by: when they could and couldn't work, what they could and couldn't eat, when they could and couldn't sell a bull, and who to blame if an ox or a donkey fell into a hole.

On the other hand, when CHRISTIANITY is at work, our pattern for life is Jesus Christ. We live passionately to be more like Jesus Christ. And if we are becoming more Christlike:

We become more loving toward each other - He loved even those who disagreed with Him, those who worked against Him, and even those who killed Him.
We become more alive when we speak of our Creator, when we sing to Him and about Him, - was Jesus ever more alive then when He was praising His Father, communicating with His Father or celebrating his Father's creation?
And it becomes our life's purpose to bring the lost to the Father - after all, it was the reason He gave His life.

When CHRISTIANITY is at work, we do not look oddly at someone who comes to church less dressed up than we are or whose children are not quiet during the service. We do not let opinions and preferences get in the way of another person's worship. And we do not let our own comfort stand in the way of reaching out to the lost around us.

So are you a Christian or are you religious?

Why Moms of Small Children Need Other Moms of Small Children

2007-05-22T16:04:00.000-04:00

The following is a conversation that took place last night between my great girlfriend Heather and I. Words we said to each other are in color. And parts of the conversation have been omitted. (Thanks, Heather, for the protection joke. It was awesome.) Anyway, this is why moms of small children need other mom's of small children:

T: How's the potty thing going?
H: Oh ... Landon's doing really good. Lainey's still won't poop on the potty. ... Hold on ... Lainey, leave brother alone. No, you eat your dinner. ... Sorry, anyway, I don't want to push her.
T: Well, you can't. Cooper's had two really good days, which may be why I have had two ... Cooper eat your chicken. No. No, eat your chicken. Abby, do you want some cheese? Ok, you can get it. No, Cooper, you can have some after you eat your chicken. You have to wait. Sorry, no but he's been doing better lately.
H: Oh, Chris called me awhile ago.
T: Yeah, I gave my mother-in-law your numbers this morning. I didn't know if you'd have room for his bike ...
H: Hold on ... Lainey, you stop, right now!Put your plate on the table and leave him alone.
T: Cooper, get your hand out of your cup and finish your dinner. Does she bully him?
H: Yes.
T: Cooper's got a bully. It's not Abby, though. Everytime he sees ***** he pushed Cooper or bites him or pinches him. Cooper, do not put all of that in your mouth. I know you want cheese, but you have not finished your chicken yet.
H: She's not that bad. But Landon takes a lot from her. Lainey Elizabeth!!! I have to call you back.
T: OK.

(Phone rings moments later.)

T: What happened?
L: Oh, she dumped her plate of spaghetti on the table. So we're done eating now. Landon, you can spank that bug. Get a shoe.
T: Well, I'm glad he called you. I wasn't sure if you'd have room for him to park his bike while he was in Jacksonville or not.
H: Yeah. Todd doesn't park in the garage so there's room. Sissy, that bug is outside, you need to leave it alone. I know you want to get it. Maybe when Daddy gets home you can go outside and get the bug. ... Hold on, that's Todd calling. (takes other call) I'm back.
T: Well, thanks for helping Chris out. Yes, you can have your cheese now. Thank you for eating all of your chicken.
H: No problem. Both of you need to stop that. Things getting any better?
T: I don't know. We'll see. How are you feeling. Getting any easier?
H: I guess. I'm having headaches, which I didn't have before.
T: You didn't have three year old twins before!
H: Yeah. Okay, both of you go get on your beds. I don't like how you're acting. Well then, you need to stop. ... Yeah! Daddy's home!!!
T: Yeah!! Toddy's home!!
Cooper: La-dee, La-dee, We love our Toddy!!
H: I guess I should get off the phone and talk to my husband. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
T: K. Bye!
H: Bye!

I had a similar conversation with my sister-in-law today, hot topics being potty training, nursing, kids growing out of clothes, etc. My friend Kalli and I talk and only 1/3 of the things we say is to each other. It's what keeps moms of young kids sane. Not just talking about things we're going through with other who are going through it. But not feeling guilty for the fact that in a 15 minute conversation, maybe only 5 minutes of it is spent talking to each other. When I talk to someone who doesn't have small kids, I feel like I am not giving them enough of my attention, even if they reassure me they understand. I try to banish my kids to other rooms (yeah, like that helps!) so I can concentrate on ... hold on ...

Season Finales

2007-05-19T21:16:00.000-04:00

Let's talk about season finales. I've seen several of them now so if you haven't and if you're waiting for the chance to watch them on DVR, dont read this.

Grey's ending tugged at my heart. I love George and Callie and think Izzie is a flighty slut - pretty, but flighty. It was powerful to see Christina break as we never thought we would and to see the amazing love between two friends as Meredith held her. I like Meredith and Derek and I wish they would get their individual issues worked out and get happy. But then where would the show be? Meredith happy would take away half of the storylines.

ER shocked me. I knew Ray was in bad shape after he got mowed down, but when they showed those nubs - YIKES!!!!! Totally shocked. But I must ask, Is there a hospital in the country that is that brightb white??? Stanley Tucci is a great strange-annoying-boss type. time will tell who he starts trying to hook up with in the lounge. I get a little annoyed when TV shows paint a very one-sided view of the war in Iraq. We hear the "bad" stories about things that happen there, but we do not know everything our military does so what seems wrong to the uninformed eye, may be what has to happen for things to end. Since this blog is about finales and not the Middle East, the end of the show left us wondering, "How trampled was Neela?"

Next week is, of course, the American Idol finale. I was not surprised to see Melinda Doolittle go home this week. She was, by far, the most talented, and will probably do better than anyone else. But Jordin and Blake hit the show's demographic better. My bet's on Jordin. She is young, freaking beautiful, but not emaciated and ha a great voice. Blake doesn't have a great singing voice, but does have a lot of musical talent. Soon he'll be on the shelves at Walmart, right next to hottie Chris Daughtry. This season seemed unique in that the contestants were very close. I like to think that's been because so many of them have been open about their faith in God and their Chrsitianity.

And House will be the week after that. I was talking to my mom about this the other day. I love the show. He's a total jerk, but in a fun and sarcastic way. Not terrible attractive, and yet, kinda sexy. The kids (Cameron, Chase and Foreman) are getting a little too whiny and big for thier britches if you ask me. And the health issues they are facing are so WAAAAAAY out there that even when they figure it out, you're still left thinking, "Huh?" which takes some of the fun of the show. I mean, if you don't know much more than high school biology, much of what you see there just seems like science fiction. But like I said, he's kind of sexy.

What finales were your favorite?

This One's for Tami

2007-05-18T09:02:00.000-04:00

What to talk about ... let's see. I said before that church is off the list. I'm sick of it. You probably are, too. I'm not sick of God or faith or a relationship with Christ, I'm just sick of humans making all of that so .... difficult.

And I'm not allowed to talk about what it's like to watch someone you love in a relationship that is as disfunctional as one you were in and it leaves you thinking, "Man I put my friends through &*#&!" I can't realy go into why I owe Lila, Jayme, Tepi, Amy, Jen and Kathy each a dozen roses a day until they die for not kicking me in the head often between 1994 and 1998.

So with those two things off of my list, I am going to talk about poop. (You're welcome, Tami.)

We're potting training right now. I say "We're potting training" and not "Cooper is potting training" because any experienced potty trainer knows that potting training has very little to do with "training" a child and a whole lot to do with "training" a parent to stick to it. On the days I get up with him right away and get him on the potty then put big boy underwear on him, he usually does alright. The days I think I can stay in bed a little bit after he gets up, he fills his diaper in no time and sets the tone for the day.

Cooper knows when he has to go potty, he's demonstrated that several times. And yet when the TV's on, he's content to sit in wet or sticky nasty underwear so long as the Doodlebops are still singing and dancing. That I don't get at all. I mean, come on. We CAN pause live TV. We have the technology?!

Money motivated his sister, so that's what we're trying. His Nana bought him this cool money bank. It's a train crossing signal and when he puts money in, it lights up and makes choo-choo noises. He likes money, like buying things at Walmart (or stealing them from home improvement stores ... but that's another story), so we started giving him some coins for his bank when he goes in the potty. And we've started taking coins out when he goes in his pants. He'll have a couple of pretty good days and then digress, which makes Jimmy and I want to pull our hair out. (Hey, don't be ugly, Jimmy has back hair he can pull out.)

What worked for you - not for pulling out back hair but for potty training? Cause I'm tired of buying diapers and/or pull-ups and I'm tired of washing poop chunks out of Thomas the Tank Engine briefs.

ENOUGH ALREADY

2007-05-16T12:57:00.000-04:00

For all of you who have been bugging me about the no comments and have sent me e-mails with your comments and who have questioned my very faith and walk ... ENOUGH ALREADY. I know that last post was bitter and angry and full of hurt. I obviously don't mean I am really going to stop caring. I couldn't anymore stop caring about people I love than I could stop breathing, even when they do hurt me. So ENOUGH ALREADY.

Seriously, though, I do appreciate those of you who were surprised by my bad attitude and anger the other night. I seem to keep revisiting the feelings I talked about the other night more and more as I get older. Is God trying to teach me something or is Satan trying to convince me to give up on people?

I mentioned wanting to blog about the past revisiting us. I can't. I have a family-ordered injunction keeping me from talking about it, because it isn't my business. The situation will effect me husband, my children and I for a long time, but it's not my business. So silent I am. Maybe not being able to talk about it will get my mind off it so I can talk about other things. I'm also kind of sick of talking about our church. So ... the next post will be a surprise!!!

Walking Away

2007-05-14T22:42:00.000-04:00

Today I decided to no longer care about other people. I am done with caring about people who don't care of you care about them or not. It seems to be the most painful flaw in me, loving people who really don't want my love. I have this seemingly unquenchable need to give 99% of myself to people who only want to give .099% of themselves back. Phone calls and encouragement notes, remembering birthdays and being at the hospital, drop-anything-for-you support and spend-money-even-if-I-don't-have-it love.

It was my weakness in high school, the reason I dated Michael for so long in college and the reason I'm not sleeping much these days. It's why I question motives and emotions. It's why I am not surprised when I watch friendships die, even if it does rip my heart out. It's why I hate moving.

I'm not saying relationships should always be 50/50. I think they should usually be closer to at least 75/75. But when a relationship runs on 99/1 for too long, I think it's a sign that somebody doesn't want to be bothered.

In-Laws or Out-Laws?

2007-05-11T21:45:00.000-04:00

If you don't get along with your in-laws, I am so sad for you. I consider myself - at least 90% of the time - blessed to have my family by blood (my mom, my dad and Marc) and my family by marriage (Jim, Genise ... well everyone all the way down to Summer) that I do have.

If you know family dynamic lingo, you'll understand what I mean when I say that the Sanders Family is the epitome of enmeshed. We are together a lot. When we're together, there is almost always laughter. Usually it's at somebody's expense, like when my brothers-in-law try out horse-racing at Dave and Busters or when my father-in-law has three spit-balls stuck to his face over dinner at a restaurant. When we're together, there is almost always history. Funny stories about broken bones or Christmas gifts, jokes about pianists or body hair, and poignant stories of sadness and loss. A house with 23 years of memories and the hope of many, many more. But overall, there is almost always love. We hug like crazy, even if we're going to see each other 15 minutes later.

Our family is being challenged in a big way right now. Choices have been made and how we respond to the outcome will effect the health of our family for years to come. But I am lucky. Because at no point in the past month have I wondered if love will win. Disappointment and sadness and guilt pop up from time to time, but love isn't going anywhere so those other emotions cannot last long.

Sometimes we drive each other nuts. Sometimes we disagree strongly on people or on positions or on practices. And sometimes I wish most of us weren't all in the same town (one branch of the tree put down roots in TN) so that those disagreements were more ignorable. I have a lot of friends who dread seeing their in-laws. Who welcome any excuse to not visit or to refuse a visit. And when I hear them talk about the influences they fear their families could be on their children, I can easier handle being part of this close family. I am reminded that it could be worse. MUCH WORSE. I don't have a monster-in-law or demon nieces and nephews. At the end of the day ... okay, at the end of most days, I am glad to be a part of this bunch, thankful for the fourteen people who I can call family simply because one of them choose to love me, and the others went along with it.

(This picture is about a year and a half old.

There are two family members missing ... well, not missing, just not yet conceived. )

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

2007-05-08T14:36:00.000-04:00

One more post about our church and then I might move on to how disturblingly life revisits itself.
Last week I pulled out a scrapbook that is very special to Jimmy and I. For about two years, right after we were married, we led the youth group at our church. The album has pictures from bowling parties and youth rallies, special devotionals and trips. Just before we stepped down as we prepared to move to Searcy, we had a lock-in. Normally there would be several adults there, but that night, we wanted a night just for us and our kids. Toward the end of the album there is a picture from that lock-in. There are 18 people in the picture, five others were there, but had left early.

The pictures throughout the album make me smile and laugh. That picture makes me weep. And it makes me angry. It makes me passionate about not letting the future of our church be ignored. Here's why:

23 people. 21 kids ranging from seventh grade to high school seniors. Most of them were at the majority of the events we had. Shortly after we left, the first couple who had volunteered to take over divorced because of an affair. Another couple took over willingly, but not passionately. Another couple is leading now, and that's something for the kids who are teens now, but because after we left not much was done, so most of those 21 kids were neglected. And now when we look at that picture here's what we see:

One who almost died from cancer
One who has faught in Iraq
One who stopped coming, married someone of the wicca religion, but has since returned to God
Ten who do not come to church at all
Seven who come to church because it is expected of them
Four who come because they want to be there
Six (that we know of) who have been sexually active before marriage, two of whom are having a child together
Nine (that we know of) who use, or better said, abuse alcohol on a regular basis

Sometimes I feel such guilt for abandoning these kids. I know intellectualy that Jimmy and I have never been responsible for their choices, I know that. But sometimes I find myself wondering if maybe they would be stronger people for Christ if we had stuck around for them. I know better than to beat myself up for this for very long. But usualy when I stop beating myself up for leaving, I start beating up our church for not stepping up.

It's no secret that the church of Christ is loosing its young people. I don't know what generation label I fit into, but people my age and younger and becoming more and more visually driven, more entertainment focused and get bored much easier. And we are expecting young people to spend time at a church where they are not engaged visually or tactily, but have to sit and listen, where they sing slow songs with words like panoply and Ebeneezer, and where when they look around, they don't feel loved or important.

These kids are not finding love and acceptance and, yes, enjoyment, at church. And so they are looking for it other places. And it's a really big deal to me that my kids not grow up at a church where they cannot find these things. So I will work my butt off to give them better.

Moving In or Moving Out

2007-05-07T19:47:00.000-04:00

I haven't blogged much lately, for two reasons. First, I don't have a lot of extra mental strength that I can afford to use by sitting down at my computer and writing. But the second one is the bigger reason: there have been two things that have been heavy on my heart recently, but they are not things I have felt comfortable throwing out for anyone who wants to read. But at my core I am a writer. It's how I deal with life, and so today to I decided to express again.

Until about two weeks ago , the thing that consumed much of my mental energy was related to our church. Our church is in a dangerous place right now. We are weeks away from moving into a new building, one we have been special collectioning for and committee meeting for and paying for and praying for since 1999. Well, I suppose the praying began long before that. Years of planning and workers are finally laying carpet and installing cabinets. New buildings seem to be a fresh start for many churches, but the final nail in the coffin of others.

As we move in, we are facing a problem that may decide which direction this new building takes us in. Old vs. new, past vs. future, opinion vs. doctrine, all of which seems to be putting brother vs. brother. And most of it has nothing to do with the message of Christ. Most of it's about the way the message can or should be told. What songs are acceptable? Is clapping instrumental music? I'm not naive, I know a lot of our churches are facing this same battle. But what scares me is that this is the church we are at. And Jimmy and I are seen by many as leading one side of the battle. We're not. We are not looking to battle, we're simply looking to be a part of a church that is effectively moving people into closer relationship with Christ and with others.

In his blog post, "The Secret Life of My Discipleship," Brian Mashburn makes these incredibly powerful statements:

We are not interested in change. We are interested in Christ, and whatever we must change in order love Him more truly, we are glad and anxious to do so.

We suffer from a growing intolerance for people who use the Bible merely to defend and maintain strict adherence to certain sets of worship practices, beliefs, or political positions.

We are watching closely, however, for any residual teaching that resembles anything legalistic whatsoever and are preparing to help our kids unlearn it, explaining our love for the church that taught it, showing openly where that teaching comes from, but correcting them as to what discipleship really looks like. If a Church of Christ wants to run us off quickly, which it may want to do because our convictions can be hard to deal with, or hard to argue against, then all it must do is start teaching our kids to be legalistic rule followers instead of passionate Christ followers. We'll leave. We are already worried enough about what we are doing to them by trying to teach them discipleship at home while their church is trying to teach them why we don't have instruments in worship.

I want very much for our church here to be an awesome body that works together to bring others to Christ. I believe the hearts of the people want that, too. I just wonder how we can do that, when much of our energy is spent asking permission to be passionate for the Gospel.

The HPV Vaccine

2007-03-29T16:56:00.000-04:00

I'm struggling with the newest vaccine that is being pushed - and may possibly become required nationwide - for young girls. Scientists have developed a vaccine to prevent cervical cancer, precancerous genital lesions, and genital warts due to HPV, the human papillomavirus. HPV is spread only through sexual contact. Statistics say that 50% of all sexually active people will get HPV at some point in their lives.

The problem is that vaccines work best before a person is exposed to a disease. So the "routine vaccination" which requires three shots in six month, is being recommended for girls 11-12 years of age, but is available for girls as young as 9. Do the math: this means 12 is seen as the last age a young girl can safely be assumed to NOT be sexual active. The push for this vaccine is to get it done before they are sexually active then they're covered WHENEVER they are. Except it is thought a booster will be needed every five years.

So here's my struggle:

On the one hand: I want to do everything I can to limit my daughter's chances of having cervical cancer. So if there is something that can help prevent it, than I feel a need to do it.

On the other hand: I do not want to encourage sexual activity in my child or in others before they're married, and certainly not as young as 9 or 11.

---------------

On the one hand: While I hope my daughter's first sexual experience is on her wedding night, and therefore something she is ready for and choosing, it may not be. This vaccine would protect her in the event of a sexual assault.

On the other hand: I don't intend to put her on birth control pills in case she gets raped. If there was a HIV vaccine I wouldn't have her get it IN CASE she gets raped.

---------------

On the one hand: Just because she has the vaccine doesn't mean I'm encouraging her to have sex. I'm just preparing her the future when she does.

On the other hand: I wouldn't give her condoms at 11 to save so she's prepared when she does get married and have sex.

---------------

On the one hand: Making an appointment for her to have an appointment for a shot doesn't require that I tell her the shot is to prevent her to get sick from sex. I mean, I didn't explain polio or MMR to her.

On the other hand: Polio and MMR happened when she was a baby. The HPV vaccine will come at a time in life when open and honest discussions with her about the world, her body, God, and most everything else will shape who she becomes. I don't know that I would want to avoid an explanation.

I don't know what I think. And I have a couple of years before I have to face it entirely. But it speaks to the state of our society, that we are so centered on living the way we want to that unborn children are killed and 11 year old girls are able to have sex without worry of genital warts or cervical cancer. What a mess.

One Year Later

2007-03-26T15:49:00.000-04:00

Today I took a quick sprint down memory lane. It had to be with running shoes on, not a warm-happy-feeling stroll or else I would be a wreck. The fast look back was hard enough.

I read my post from one year ago today. http://sandersii.blogspot.com/2006_03_26_archive.html I remembered the laughter as we packed our trailer and the party on Saturday night. I remembered waking up Sunday morning at The Wyatt's and determining not to start crying. That only lasted until we actually got to church. And in class, I remembered Terry Kernodle asking everyone to gather around us to pray over us. I remembered that Jimmy, Cooper and I got Mexican food for lunch, but Abby got to go to Doc's Grill with Kadie. And I remembered driving through Bald Knob, wishing he would turn around.

He didn't. So here we are one year later. Jimmy told me not long ago that I was right about moving. It didn't reall solve the problems he hoped it would. He even offered to turn around.

I didn't take him up on it. Maybe it should've made me happy to hear him admit he was wrong, but it didn't. Life goes on. And I knew it would a year ago. It was why I didn't want to leave. I didn't want it to go on without me there and I didn't want to go on without it here.

I am not ashamed to say I have been blessed because of our move. I am smart and honest enough to say that there are blessings in my life right now that I would not have if we had not come back north. But that's not me saying, "You were right," too all of you who lectured me about the hard time I was having with the move, because I knew that then. I knew that because I believe in a God who will not abandon us. In a God who will provide what we need when we need it. I just sometimes wish He would provide what we want every time we want it as well.

But then again, who knows where that would put me. I might have married a photographer and be a totally and completely different person than I am now. And I am blessed to have my Marine as a husband. What I wanted when I wanted it would have given Jimmy and I different children since I didn't get pregnant as soon as I wanted to. And I certainly wouldn't trade Abby or Cooper for anything.

I still don't really want to be here.

But I don't want to be there either. In fact, next week we're going for our first visit back since we moved and I am terrified. My little Razorback is excited to see his friends (and he needs a new windsuit, his is too small but he still wants to wear it all the time.) Abby has been talking about this trip for so long and everyday lists off people she can't wait to see. But it broke my heart to explain to her that we weren't MOVING back, we were just visiting.

I don't want to be here, but here is where I am. And each day, I try to make the most of it. Some days are harder than others. But I believe in a God who will use us where we are, and who will slowly shape us into who He wants us to be, regardless of our zip code.

2007-01-03T14:06:00.000-05:00

I'd love to hear your answers ...

2006 In Review

1) Where did you begin 2006? In the youth center at Downtown.

2) What was your status by Valentine's Day? Married, but really mad at my husband!! :-)

3) Were you in school (anytime this year)? No.

4) How did you earn your money? Sent my husband to work each morning.

5) Did you have to go to the hospital? Yes.

6) Did you have any encounters with the police? I don't think so, other than calling them about noisy neighbors.

7) Where did you go on holiday? Which holiday? Easter: Maryland; Thanksgiving: stayed home; Christmas: NJ and NY.

8) What did you purchase that was over $500? A stove.

9) Did you know anybody who got married? I don't think so ...

10) Did you know anybody who passed away? Yes.

11) Have you run into a old lost friend? A few on myspace, a few in person.

12) Did you move anywhere? Let's not talk about that.

13) What sporting events did you go to? Does watching Abby ice skate count? What about watching Tank on TV?

14) What concerts/shows did you go to in 2006? How sad is this: DORA LIVE and THE DOODLEBOPS LIVE!

15) Are you registered to vote? Absolutely.

16) Who did you want to win Big Brother? Never watched it.

17) Where do you live now? Ashland, OH.

18) Describe your birthday: Kinda bad. I didn't want to be where I was. But my in-laws took me to dinner, and that was nice. Then we went and saw the first show listed above, which was fun for my kids.

19) What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2006? Consider not being married. I mean, not for long, but I did. And Jimmy knows that. But he also knows that when we have hard times and I don't love him enough to stick around, I love God enough to stick around and I love your kids enough to stick around.

20) What has been your favorite moment? Holding my children. Especially last Thursday when we got on National Television by standing outside the Today Show Studios!!

21.) What's something you learned about yourself? While it has a long way to go, my faith is strong enough to do something I don't want to do, simply because I love God.

22.) Any new additions to your family? We got our old house back!

23.) What was your best month? I don't think I had a best month.

24.) What music will you remember 2006 by? Good Riddance by Green Day; Holy is the Lord by Chris Tomlin; Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns.

25) Who has been your best drinking buddy? Since the extent of my "drinking" is one margarita on my birthday, I would say I don't have a "drinking buddy" the way most people would mean it. I do really like Snapple, and Courtney and Tank just gave me a whole case of that!

26) Made new friends? The Meads, The Snells, and reconnected with several old friends.

27) Best friend? Jimmy and Lila.

28) Favorite Night out? Nothing specific.

29) Any regrets? Yeah.

30) How many flings? Too many to count - just kidding.

31)Who was your favorite summertime buddy? Ashley.

32) Which season was the best?? Each in their own time.

33)How many nights out of 365 days did you not remember? None.

34) If you could would you redo the whole year? No, the bad moments aren't worth reliving and I know there are more good ones to come!

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas!

2006-12-22T13:34:00.000-05:00

A few random thoughts on the approaching big day:

I have a friend who is disturbingly obsessed with snowmen. Maybe it started when she lived in Lubbock, TX, but now she lives in New London, OH so she should get to see plenty. Not that weather matters, because even if it's 95 degrees here on the 25th, she has like five billion of them in her house so she'll get her fix. Most of them are really cute ... although one is psychotic, one is phalic and the 75 animated snowmen in one room are enough to push you over the edge if they're all going at once. Merry Christmas, anyway, Hami.

*********************** (pretend those are snowflakes!)

I am usually the most awesome gift-giver. I'm not bragging here, but usually my best friend and my brother and my friends that live far away are apologizing to me on the 22nd because they haven't gotten my box in the mail (although my brother usually does get it here on time.) I, on the other hand, have things bought and packaged and mailed by the 10th, just to be sure they arrive on time. Not this year. This year I mailed Lila's present (we exchange ornaments) on the 19th, sent out Christmas cards on the 20th, and I still haven't bought my brother anything - and his birthday is the 23rd so I am doubly behind. In fact, I got a boxes today from my brother and from Lila. For a moment I thought I had slept through January and we were already in February, which is when hers usually come (those are her words, not mine!) What happened to the real Tiffany Sanders?? Maybe she got left in Searcy.

***********************

Today Abigail and Cooper got letters from Santa. If you are the elf who dropped them in the mail so that they'd have a Mansfield, OH post mark --- Thanks. Cooper didn't totally get it, but Abby was amazed. We're talking jaw dropped eyes wide as I read her the letter, one of those fun "family update" letters that some people hate and I love. Abigail is at that age where she's realized that not all Santa's she sees are the **real** Santa; some ARE fake, but there is a real one coming in a few days. And she really believes the one she talked to at the mall was the real one. To be honest, so do I. This wasn't your usual bearded guy sitting through a bunch of snotty kids, doing his best to be jolly. This guy talked to my kids. He commented on how much Abby had grown since he saw her last year, he asked if she was making cookies for him again and even told her about the Barbie he'd bought for her teacher Miss Heather when she was a little girl. The guy was fun and into his role and could melt the heart of any grinch.

***********************

I love While You Were Sleeping by Casting Crowns. Not many songs could fall under three holiday genres: Christmas, Easter and Independence Day, but this one does.

Oh little town of Bethlehem, looks like another silent night
Above your deep and dreamless sleep, a giant star lights up the sky
And while you're lying in the dark there shines an everlasting light
For the King has left His throne, and is sleeping in a manger tonight
Oh Bethlehem, what you have missed while you were sleeping
For God became a man and stepped into your world today
Oh Bethlehem, you will go down in history
As a city with no room for its King
While you were sleeping

Oh little town of Jerusalem, looks like another silent night
The Father gave His only Son The Way, the Truth, the Life had came
But there was no room for Him in the world He came to save
Jerusalem, what you have missed while you were sleeping
The Savior of the world is dying on your cross today
Jerusalem, you will go down in history
As a city with no room for its King
While you were sleeping

United States of America, looks like another silent night
As we're sung to sleep by philosophies that save the trees and kill the children
And while we're lying in the dark there's a shout heard 'cross the eastern sky
For the Bridegroom has returned and has carried His bride away in the night
America, what will we miss while we are sleeping
Will Jesus come again and leave us slumbering where we lay
America, will we go down in history
As a nation with no room for its King
Will we be sleeping ?
Will we be sleeping ?

***********************

I'm sad for Christians who won't celebrate Christmas. I know it's not really the day Christ was born, but it's still a great moment to really celebrate His birth. To be thankful for a young girl with a deep enough faith to be His mother and a teenage boy with enough faith to stand by her. To think about how that one night - whatever the date was - changed EVERYTHING. Beyond just acknowledging the holiday for that reason, our culture is thinking about Christ and for some this is the one time of year He might cross their minds. We would be STUPID to pretend that outside our building it's any other ole' day. Like at Easter, people are at church who normally are sound asleep. Let's do something to get them back the next week. Jimmy is leading singing at second service Sunday, and I promise, Frosty the Snowman will be sung -- just kidding.

***********************

Well, we came full circle and we're back to snowmen. Wherever you are, have a happy, merry, blessed Christmas.

A Shield About Me

2006-12-12T13:52:00.000-05:00

I have decided I am done asking God to use me in His kingdom. I will never again ask Him to bless my ministry or enable me to serve.

Not without asking Him to bind Satan. Not without acknowledging that He is my shield from the one determined to undermine any good things I can do.

Last night I was verbally attacked by someone because of the work I am trying to do and because of their personal feelings. And it came almost 24 hours after I became very excited about a prayer ministry. So I know that Satan did not want me to stay excited. I know he wanted me torn-down so I would give up. Several people in the room when it happened asked me how I held myself together. Here's my answer:

"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men." (Matt 5:11-13)

And the beautiful song taken right from Psalms 3:3

"Thou oh, Lord, are a shield about me.
You're the maker. You're the lifter of my head.
Thou oh, Lord, are a shield about me.
You're the maker. You're the lifter of my head."

The Secret Life of Discipleship

2006-12-03T16:20:00.000-05:00

This is an essay by Brain Mashburn, from his site, http://brianmashburn.blogspot.com/2006/11/my-secret-life-of-discipleship.html. It's long, but 100% worth reading. Comment here, and comment there!

I'd like to introduce you to a whole bunch of us who are members of the Church of Christ who live secret lives of discipleship totally separate and apart from our church practices.

We span the ranks of our churches...we are ministers and elders, deacons and "lay members", students and college professors, teenagers and senior citizens.

We live and move and act within Churches of Christ, and hold dear the idea of becoming more like Christ together, to become a church that is, in actuality, 'of Christ'.

We are not interested in change. We are interested in Christ, and whatever we must change in order love Him more truly, we are glad and anxious to do so.

We are immovably committed to the Bible. But only inasmuch as it teaches us about and moves us closer to Christ...and we believe it to be the perfect tool for doing so, a gift from God, the written Word that was preserved to lead us to the Living Word. We suffer from a growing intolerance for people who use the Bible merely to defend and maintain strict adherence to certain sets of worship practices, beliefs, or political positions. And most of us are long past satisfying our spiritual zeal by fighting with other attempting Bible-followers about who is right.

We are trying to find out how to pray, and our longing for prayer is intensifying. We are not motivated by duty, nor merely to "lay our requests before God". We pray because we long for actual God-contact. And in this area, in most of our churches, we feel impossibly alone and mentorless, and oftentimes even looked at as crazy or overly-emotional. We are looking to ancient monastics and mystics and their practices, and also to other denominations, to satisfy our need to be taught...we are not creative, we are desperate.

We are bright and honest and dedicated, but only some of us are educated. And those of us who are rarely point it out, and more often hide from talking about it. That's because we put very little stock in the educated merely because they are educated. We have met people who are much more devoted to the Divine Master than some who have a Masters of Divinity, and have found them more useful in our own becoming more like Christ. We are not anti-intellectual, mind you. We love smart people. But we have the innate ability to spot unspiritual smart people, and we would define them as those who run after smarts rather than Christ, and mistakenly confuse the two. We want and need smart, educated people. But educated people who expose a lack of self-awareness and humility by expecting deference from others because they know so much, we just leave them to their ivory kingdoms and sorrowfully attempt to pursue Christ's without them.

We are indignant sometimes, and defensive and rude on occasion, and every now and then, we are angry. For the younger among us, it's because we feel like we're being bargained with...asked to 'please stay in a movement that doesn't work' in exchange for job security, or hero status, or at the very least, tons and tons of gratitude and affirmation...and we sense that the strings attached are too costly. For those of us who are old enough, it stems from feeling duped in our younger years, agreeing with things that sapped us, our friends, our parents, our children, and those we tried to evangelize of the very life we said submission to our system offered. Some of us are the ones that faithfully did everything our churches asked of us, and if it asked for more we would've done that, but we ended up not looking like Jesus. Maybe it is too much to ask, but we must: Forgive us our inappropriate, un-Christlike reactions to our wounds...we don't mean to claim perfection of any sort, we only abhor those who seem to claim it themselves. And we are scared to death of becoming like that...and are angry at ourselves for ever being like that.

If you watch us closely, you'll see that we have stopped complaining about the Church of Christ that we see (for the most part), and have turned our energies to becoming the Church of Christ that we dream of. When we are at our best, we are ushering in a new world, not just yelling at the old one. We are envisioning a new society in the wake of the old, not one that puts a period on the end of the sentence and starts a brand new unrelated one, but puts a "dot, dot, dot", pausing long enough to look around at all of us, and wake up that it is already new, if we would just engage each other and the world we live in with true spiritual friendship.

That term, 'true spiritual friendship' really means something to us. It involves confession, transparency, and vulnerability. It involves mutual introspection for the purpose of personal and each others transformation. The word 'and' really means something to us, too. We distrust those who only want to transform us or others who lack the capacity to show that they too are in need of continued transformation. And mere intellectual agreement with the idea that "we all sin and fall short of the glory of God" doesn't show us anymore. We need to hear confession.

We give extravagantly to and through the Churches of Christ we attend, hoping desperately to play a role in redeeming them and ourselves. We figure that if the mission of Christ is to people, then bringing Christ to the Church of Christ people is as good a target as any. We constantly flirt with taking a few like-minded people and planting new churches, but keep faithful to our Churches of Christ either out of fear of new things, family love and loyalty, or a deep sense of calling, or all three.

We give much of our money to our Churches and to others in our life in attempts to not be bound by it, but by Christ alone. But when we get to give sacrificially, it acts almost as a drug, giving us a temporary high, proving to ourselves that are motives go beyond our own comfort. We hear Christ telling us that we can't be his disciples unless we give up all that we have, and we believe him, and want to do it, and respect anyone who does. We are tired of being richer than everyone else in the world, but are scared to do anything about it, because we think our churches will look at us as unrealistic, unwise, and bad stewards.

We give much of our time and energy, too. But we don't always give it to the church programs, because we see that as tending to the aquarium, which we agree needs to take place, but we long for our efforts to make a God-honest, actual, life-giving impact on those outside the church walls with no strings attached. We are honestly clueless as to how to do this, but we have our ideas and are trying and wish our churches would give us a legitimate seat at the table as we learn as a whole group...and even if our churches are clueless too, we wish we were all being clueless together out in the open, determined to keep trying stuff until it works.

We're taking full and total responsibility for our children, completely done with expecting from or blaming the church institution for their spiritual outcomes. We welcome anything it does to help, but we are picking and choosing and investing in relationships with the people that we want influencing our kids, and outright asking them to do so, thinking of anything positive that comes out of our churches children's and youth programs as only being supplemental, and hopefully useful. We are watching closely, however, for any residual teaching that resembles anything legalistic whatsoever and are preparing to help our kids unlearn it, explaining our love for the church that taught it, showing openly where that teaching comes from, but correcting them as to what discipleship really looks like. If a Church of Christ wants to run us off quickly, which it may want to do because our convictions can be hard to deal with, or hard to argue against, then all it must do is start teaching our kids to be legalistic rule followers instead of passionate Christ followers. We'll leave. We are already worried enough about what we are doing to them by trying to teach them discipleship at home while their church is trying to teach them why we don't have instruments in worship.

Our commitment to Churches of Christ remains as long as we can be totally honest (as opposed to being totally right) among them.

Indeed, we have much in common with the Churches we exist within, and yet co-exist with dramatic differences. We are both committed to the Bible, but our approaches to finding its riches stand at odds. We are both committed to the truth, but our definition of truth stands at odds. We are both in love with the church, but our view of who make it up and what it exists for are at odds. We both want to live in the Kingdom of Heaven, but our views of what that means and when that is to take place are at odds. We both want to see ourselves as primarily spiritual, but our comfort with embracing mystery are at odds. We both want to worship God, but our convictions on what the non-negotiables are, are at odds. We wonder if we can really co-exist. We wonder if we are going to have to wait for some funerals to expose ourselves and our thoughts openly in the Church of Christ. We wonder, sometimes, if we can really co-exist at all, feeling sometimes like we are tolerated by our churches only because we walk on eggshells concerning how we talk about what is going on inside of us.

But we sense there is one means of hope that exalts what we have in common, and minimizes where we are different. A focus that allows us both, different as we are, to continue becoming Christians in a way that does not condemn our historical Church of Christ roots, nor restrain or condemn those of us who want to grow beyond it's limiting beliefs. The means of hope is for all of us to focus seriously on following Jesus.

The Bible's overarching call is to follow God. Jesus' overarching call is to discipleship. Our hope is in our mutual agreement to pursue the Restoration of Discipleship. Once again, and all over again, and in a brand new way...following Jesus can be our salvation.

What is our secret life made up of? The pursuit of becoming more and more like Christ in our hearts. We are striving to be prayerfully dependent, like him. We are striving to live lives of uncompromising integrity, like him. We are striving to define our lives by loving relationships, like him. We are trying to live daily lives of true and spiritual worship, like him. We are trying to become sacrificial stewards of everything we have and are, like him. We are trying to become what Scripture says we are, like him. And we are wanting to share this life-giving pursuit with every human being on the planet who doesn't know about Jesus, like him.

We will baptize our children with water, fully immersing them in it as one of the many Biblical steps of coming into the life of Christ, but we will not have an obsessive, myopic focus on it ever again. We will no longer claim to believe in the "priesthood of all believers" when we actually mean the "priesthood of all male believers". We will not ever again treat other Bible believing, Jesus following fellowships as lost people...and not because we don't disagree with them on certain significant points...but because we have been humbled by our own disagreement with our past selves, and we hope people who died thinking like we used to were saved by grace, too. We will not write whole books explaining away the Greek word "psallos" to convince everyone instrumental music in unscriptural, we will not write articles and preach sermons focused on the churches down the street and what they are doing wrong, we will not draw lines of fellowship based on whether we should have Bible classes, kitchens, basketball goals, or multiple communion cups. The mere mention of such feuds embarrasses the fool out of us, and we swallow hard and remember our love when we have to be associated with those related to us who have or are.

We wonder if we'll get to stay in the Church of Christ. Our intolerance for our own personal past and our churches intolerance of us may foil what we feel inclined and called to do, but day by day we pursue Christ sincerely, with all of our hearts. The good news is that it doesn't take much to encourage us. Any step towards Jesus by any person at all fuels us to take our next one and we are anxious to use both as evidence that we are in the right place.

We want the Church of Christ to be a church that is actually "of Christ".

Puking My Guts Out

2006-11-29T16:47:00.000-05:00

Two years ago tonight I lay in a Little Rock hospital bed, holding my son. The day had not gone as we had planned. I was in Little Rock trying to avoid a repeat c-section. Abby's heart didn't like labor and I had an emergency cut with her. My water broke on November 29 around 2 a.m. and Jimmy and I left Searcy for U.A.M.S. We started out fine, but Cooper's heart rate began dropping and around 11:30 we decided a c-section then was better than an emergency c-section later. So in a surgery much calmer than the first, Cooper was pulled from my uterus. And we were glad we didn't wait. He had his cord around his neck twice. The kid still likes to wrap belts, strings, cords -- whatever -- around his neck. Maybe it reminds him of somewhere warm and safe??

I was at a teaching hospital and - not to bash teaching hospitals - I kind of wish I wasn't. Twice people learning how to practice medicine demonstrated their lack of knowledge. The first would've resulted in extra scarring on my belly, had we now told her she was about to do something wrong. The second person made two mistakes, one of which DID result in extra scarring on my belly. Oh well, no bikini for me.

Cooper's birth also provided my first opportunity to literally puke my guts out. As they cleaned him up and weighed him, I got nauseas. They handed me a very small basin, but during a section, a mom is flat on her back with her arms strapped out to her sides, forming a T. All I could do was turn my head a little and vomit. At which point Jimmy watched my guts pop out of the incision in my abdomen and then watched as doctors used several hands to get them back in.

It was a little disappointing to have a second c-section. We thought we wanted four kids, but I didn't want to go through anymore c-sections. But as we stand here, it didn't matter. Our family feels so complete. We have the two most awesome children. The four of us were made to be each other's family. There is no hole to fill or another boy or girl we think or dream of. It's us. And it's awesome. But we may get a dog someday.

Happy Birthday, Abigail Grace

2006-11-16T11:06:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to my daughter. The big 5!!! She got out of bed about 7:30 to get ready for school. When we got in the van at 8:10 she said, "Mom, I've already grown some today!" She also expressed her disappointment that her cousin Drake will be 20 before her (by nine months; we found out she was coming the day he was born.)

We look back at her school picture from last year and her picture from this year and we are amazed at the difference. I mean, first of all - THE HAIR!!!!! It's so curly!!! And longer than it looks, because of those curls. But her face is fuller, and it seems like her baby nose is gone. Like last year, she was somewhere between a toddler and a kid, but now, she's a real kid. And such an amazing one. So smart. Do you know she has memorized all of Ephesians 3:14-21. It's incredible to hear her say. She is incredible. And sometimes I hold her and I think, "Wow, what a gift God has given me!"

Thank You.

2006-11-11T08:03:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the Marine Corps Birthday and today is Veterans Day so thank you to the Veterans and Active Duty military everywhere, but especially to:

John Kondrup, my grandfather - US Army
Delores Kondrup, my grandmother - US Women's Army Corps
Ivan Dodd, my grandfather - US Army
Jimmy Woodell, my Searcy dad - US Navy
Jim Sanders, my father-in-law - US Army
Jim Pitney, a great man - US Air Force
David Kondrup, my uncle - Seabees
Jimmy Sanders, my husband - US Marine Corps
James Pitney, a great man - US Air Force
Jo Pitney, my brother-in-law - US Air Force
Christopher Sanders, my brother-in-law - US Air Force
Sean Hartsel, in our youth group five years ago - US Army
Josh Woodell, a great man - US Marine Corps
Ashley Richardson, my "little sister" - US Air Force

Last night Jimmy and I went and saw Flags of our Fathers, the movie which tells the story of the men who raised the flag on Iwo Jima - the second time. I never knew this, but the photo we all know from that day, was actually of the second flag raising. The same people didn't do both and so, for a bit, I was worried that it would be a movie about the scandal - as if the men who raised the second flag weren't just as much heroes as the first. That would be like saying the only heroes on 9/11 were the ones the news captured going into the towers. We all know how Americans love their scandal. But it wasn't.

Instead, it told the story of the three men in the photo who lived through the war. When the photo was published, they were pulled from overseas duty to tour the country, asking people to buy war bonds. Not an all bad thing to be doing, it's how the war was paid for, but these men wanted to be with their brothers fighting, not eating dessert sculptures of the moment, topped with strawberry sauce.

The scenes of war made me flinch, made me cry. So I can not even begin to imagine what it sears into the minds of these men - barely men - and the effects those moments have on their lives. I know more now that the things so many people who go to war are haunted by the evils they see there. It convicts me to made a day to honor them more than a day on the calendar.

Our Series of Unfortunate Events

2006-11-07T13:22:00.000-05:00

Indulge me while I review the past few days ...

On Friday, Cooper looked the keys in the van, which put me behind to pick up Abby from school to take her to the pulmonologist in Akron. We managed to get there on time (with no tickets) and even stumbled onto a Cold Stone Creamery afterward. Which was good because I hadn't eaten yet.

On Saturday, Jimmy was helping with a project that no one let him know had gotten done the day before. He missed a day of work and I had two dozen donuts for workers that were finished. That evening, our oil took too long to heat and the turkey we were deep frying for Super Club was well done on the outside, but raw on the inside. Then the jello salad that was brought had nuts in it - which we learned AFTER Jimmy had some.

Our unfortunate event on Sunday will remind undiscussed.

On Monday, Cooper woke from his nap with a fever. After dinner I left Jimmy and the kids at home while I went to get groceries. When I went outside to leave, the garage door had come apart and wouldn't open. While Jimmy was fixing that, Cooper locked the keys in the van - again. This time boths ets were inside. We got into the van and I left. Jimmy called me a bit later to let me know Cooper had yaked all over him.

Cooper kept saying his ear hurt so we went to the dr. today, expecting to be told his tubes had come out already. In fact, he has tonsillitis. Here we go again. I give him 18 months and they'll be cutting them out as well. He's passed out on my bed now, for the second time today he let me leave him. Of course he is OUT like a light.

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So after Jimmy gets home from work, we'll go vote. I'm glad to have a voice in our government. I'm glad to play a role in what America will be like for Abby and Cooper and their children. I'm glad to have the chance to clean up the air around us (Issue 4 and Issue 5 are the big news around here.) But most of all, I'm glad that all of the annoying candidate commercials will be over.

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Welcome to the world Naomi Joy Woodell!!!

Thinking About Someone Else's Thoughts

2006-11-01T13:12:00.000-05:00

Today's post has links to another person's blog. I don't do that often, but there are two posts on I blog I frequent that really struck me. I'd like your comments on them.

The first is marriage. Now, this is a newsflash: Jimmy and I do NOT have a perfect marriage. And, what may shock you more, some of it is my fault. I know none of you are really shocked by that because I have been rather open about our lives being turned upside down nine months ago. (Wow. At times it seems like much longer than that, and other times, the pain is still so fresh.) Anyway, I apologize for that. For my anger toward Jimmy and for those of you that saw it first hand.

Read this blog entry by Mike Cope. http://www.preachermike.com/2006/10/31/divorce So accurate about where most churches seem to stand on the topic. And for the record, I do know someone who truly believes divorce IS the unforgivable sin. Such limits to be placed on a God who made the world.

The other entry I point you to is here: http://www.preachermike.com/2006/10/30/i-am-of-christ. For most of my adult life (all thirteen years of it,) most of my friends have been members of the "church of Christ." I went to a "church of Christ" university, I married a "church of Christ" husband. We moved to a largely "church of Christ" town so he could attend a "church of Christ" university (not as good as mine, but a good one.) There we went to a church with over 1000 members. My daughter went to a "church of Christ" preschool and I helped lead a chapter of MOPS International and 90% of our moms were members of the "church of Christ." But right now, I have two really special friends who are not members of the "church of Christ." And lately it's forcing me to examine why I am, what it means, and how it effects my ministry.

What are your thoughts on either post?

Love and Marriage, Love and Marriage ... Go Together Like ...

2006-10-30T13:13:00.000-05:00

Smoking and Bowling ....

WHAT?

On Saturday I took Abigail to a birthday party for a little boy in her class. It was a bowling party and she was excited to see her classmates on the weekend. We walked in and I was immediately reminded of why we never go bowling. Lung cancer. There weren't many people there but the joint was still smoky. We looked around for her party and headed that way. Parents had been asked to stay to help their kids bowl so Cooper and I looked for a spot to plant out bag and our coats (BTW, it was snowing out.) I asked the boy's mom and she showed me a table near to, but not pushed together with the main party table. We moved the ashtrays off the table, sat down and got settled. We changed Abby's shoes and got set to knock a few back ... uh, down.

Next thing I know, there are about four or five adults standing around the table MY stuff is at smoking. Now, I understand that if I rent a lanes at a bowling alley for my kid's party, I can't walk over to Bob the Bowler four lanes down and ask him not to smoke. But I could ask my own father not to light up while he's leaned back against SOMEONE ELSE'S WINTER COAT!!! (Of course, my dad wouldn't light up against anything, so it's a mute point.)

Cooper was cranky and we didn't stay for the whole party. When we got home, we all stripped down in the mudroom and washed out clothes and our coats. The kids got baths before naps and I took a shower to get the stink off me.

I just don't get smoking. Next week on our ballot will be two conflicting issues.

Issue 4 is for a Smoke Less Ohio. This proposed amendment would prohibit smoking in enclosed areas except tobacco stores, private residences or nonpublic facilities, completely separate, enclosed areas in restaurants, most bars, bingo and bowling facilities, separated areas of hotels and nursing homes, and race tracks. The amendment would invalidate retroactively any ordinance or local law in effect, and would prohibit the future adoption of any ordinance or local law to the extent such ordinance or law prohibited smoking or tobacco products in anyplace exempted by the amendment.

Issue 5 is for a Smoke Free Ohio. This proposed law would prohibit smoking in public places and places of employment. No major exceptions.

I know that individuals have the right to smoke, but how do we deal with your right to smoke and my right to breath?

Who Needs A New Church?

2006-10-25T11:14:00.000-04:00

Building projects seem like they are often what makes or breaks a church. I mean, I know that ultimately, a church's faithfulness to God is what makes or breaks it, but so often the future of a church depends on the structure it meets in. We're building a new facility right now. These pictures were taken almost two months ago, so it's much closer to being done than these show. The project was begun several years ago (at least five) when we bought the land. We should be in the new building by Spring of 2007.

Some people have left. For some, the process has been too drawn out for them. They haven't seen progress quick enough. Some left because it seemed like the new building was all that was important. Some left because they didn’t believe we could afford the new facility. Some stayed, but whisper and gossip and complain about the whole thing.

God is NOT as concerned about what our meeting place looks like as He is about what goes on in and because of our meeting place. But that's not to say we should not put thought and planning into it. Remember the wise man? A little thought can make a big difference.

I am excited about this new facility. I believe it could open doors to new ministries that our current space limits. I believe it could set a new tone for the congregation. It will not be the same old place, and we cannot be the same old church. There will be a bigger kitchen and there will not be an auditorium. There will be bigger classrooms and more fellowship space.

No where in scripture are we told it's right or wrong to have a nice church building. No where in scripture does God tell us not to have a kitchen or to have an auditorium. For that matter, we aren’t told we should have a “church building” at all. No where does it say we should give a thought to wall or carpet color, and yet God was pretty detailed when he gave instruction on decorating the temple.

All of these things will make little difference, though, if the heart of the congregation is not focused on reaching the lost and serving all people. If that is our goal, this facility will be overflowing with God’s blessings. But if we allow ourselves to stay focused on ourselves, if we allow ourselves to be divided by things that are matters of opinion, if we allow ourselves to think that WE built this building … than somebody else is going to enjoy those rooms. We won’t have any need for it.

A Surprising Friend

2006-10-19T13:37:00.000-04:00

For two years I worked in an at the local university. Most of the people I worked with were nice, but nothing that made me want to keep a friendship. But there was one that was different. Her name is Theresa. I never expected the friendship we have today.

Theresa and I shared a connection that really only one other person in the office had: a real, live, faith in God and in Jesus Christ. We had another connection: my mother was her mother's nurse when she was undergoing dialysis.

After I moved to Searcy, Theresa and I stayed in touch, via the internet. Some visits to Ashland allowed us to have lunch together, but a lot of them didn't. But now I'm back here, and her friendship has became even more of a blessing. There are three things that I love about Theresa. First, her sense of humor. She's witty and is always there to help me laugh when I need to. But she's also so amazingly sensitive to people's hurts and pains. She's been such a source of strength for me since my mom was diagnosed - in fact, today she sent ME flowers.

There's a third thing I love about Theresa. Her faith. To be honest, most of the Catholics I have known haven't been very real in their walk. They go to church once or twice a year and give little thought to God in between visits. When things are hard, they don't have a relationship with their Maker that leads them to His comfort. Most of them will tell you it's a religion they claim, not a faith they live.

But not Theresa. She is a woman of prayer, a woman of faith and a woman with the love of God active in her heart and her life. She may be the very reason I got a job in that office. Not to pay bills or improve my skills. But to meet a friend who would bring such blessings into my life. Thanks Theresa.

Lost

2006-10-11T20:33:00.000-04:00

Excuse me, but have you seen my hands?

All day today I have felt like part of me was missing. Like I was walking around with an arm chopped off or a stub where a foot was yesterday. I am constantly looking around at empty rooms and being caught by silence.

My kids left. Jimmy loaded up the mini-van and left my parents' house around 4 a.m. Of course, I slept through the first 5 hours of their absence, but when you are a full-time, stay-at-home, they-'re-with-you-everywhere-you-go mom and your kids are gone, you feel a little lost.

Last night Jimmy and I were laying in bed and I said, "I am really gonna miss them." He sighed and said, "Yeah, I missed them a lot."

"It's not the same," I told him. "Normally, you get to see them from about 5-8:30 p.m. and that's it. I am with them all day long."

Thirteen waking hours of every day is spent either with my kids or knowing that the hour or so I am not with them will end and I will need to pick them up. The other eleven hours are spent trying to get things done I can't do with them awake, or sleeping, which isn't really away from them, it's just in another room, ready to mommy when they need me during the night.

I enjoyed 36 hours of singlehood about a month ago. http://sandersii.blogspot.com/2006/08/my-bachelorette-days.html The quiet was nice. But I knew the time would be short and so I didn't think much about them not being there. Right now, I'm not sure when I'm going back to Ohio. Probably this weekend. But right now I don't know when I'll see Abby's beautiful face again or when Cooper will kiss my nose 50 times.

A part of me is missing.

Knights and Pretty Women

2006-10-10T08:43:00.000-04:00

When I rewatch Pretty Woman, it seems so much cheesier than it did sixteen years ago when it was a box office hit. I mean, come on, a hooker gets lucky -- no pun intended -- when a rich guy needs directions. He wines and dines her, takes her to the opera and to polo matches and at the end, she's refined. And then, he still blows it. Sometimes I think the 'm' in moron stands for "man," because he was such a moron. He started her down a path she never wanted to be on, but then tried to change directions on her. But in the end, he redeems himself. Her knight in a white limo pulls up to her fire escape and professes his love. What would a Pretty Woman 2 have looked like?

My mom's surgery last week did not go as well as we'd thought. We found out yesterday that according to pathologist's report, there is more cancer there than they suspected. She will go back into the OR tomorrow afternoon to ** hopefully ** remove the rest. She is scared and frustrated and disappointed.

It presented a challenge for me, because the kids and I are supposed to fly back tomorrow evening ... but I need to be here with her ... but I cannot do many more days with Cooper on my own (see previous posts on child behavior!!!!) I was torn on what to do: how do I get them back? how do I stay here?

My knight in a white mini-van called me at 6 this morning from I-76. He's coming to get the kids and bring them home. So many times I think he's a moron. He frustrates me and makes me want to give up because he led us on a path, and then decided to change directions. I was happy with the path we were on. I didn't want to detour.

But he's not a moron. He is a knight. And I do know that when it comes down to it, he will be there on his white horse (or something) to take care of me.

We do that with God, too. We are going along on a happy little way and he changes the direction of our lives. We get frustrated because we liked the other road much better. But in the end he comes through for us and we think, "Gee, I should've trusted him all along." And then it happens again and we started the whole thing over. Other than raising my kids so that they are welcomed by God into heaven, I think my next goal that I hope to have accomplished by my death is start trusting that God will work all things for good, if I will trust Him.

The Most Beautiful Girl in the World

2006-10-09T08:42:00.000-04:00

I had to share this picture of Abby. The first year we were in Searcy I bought her a dress at the consignment sale there. It came with a black long sleeve shirt, and the dress' fabric had pumpkins and scarecrows and cornucopia. It also came with this absolutely precious hat. With my daughter's curls, this hat was so adorable on her!

Toys 'R Us Tantrum

2006-10-05T19:42:00.000-04:00

I don't usually care much what other people think of me. I don't wear clothes I think others will like, I wear clothes I like. I don't change who I am so people will like me, I am who I am. But there is one area of my life where public opinion is always on my mind. My children.

I pride myself on having such well-behaved kids. People comment all the time on how polite they both are, and I know that's because Jimmy and I have taught them to say, "Please" and "Thank You" anytime it's necessary. But I've also been around people when OTHER kids are totally freaking out on their parents and I see the looks and hear the whispers. In fact, one day at Walmart, a lady in the fabric department could hear a kid on the next isle throwing a fit. As I pushed my cart past her, she touched my arm and said, "Aren't you glad your kids are so well-behaved? Can you imagine what kind of parent would let their kid act like that?"

And mine are - for the most part - good kids. Abigail is not a defiant child. She never went through the terrible 2s, and really does, for the most part, seek to obey and please us. It could really mess her up down the road, but so far, I think her TEAAA (therapy expected as an adult) levels are low. Nine times out of ten, she does obey us. Cooper, on the other hand, should be photographed and put on the cover of The Strong Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson. Number 3 - as his grandfather (Number 1) and his father (Number 2) like to call him - is the poster child for kids who could really care less what they are told to do or not do. (Hmmm ... maybe it's the name??? Anyway, that's another blog.) When he wants something, Cooper really wants it. And he's not afraid to whine or stomp to get it. Spankings don't help. Time-outs don't help. We are really kicking into high gear with this one to stop bad behavior.

Which is why today, as we were in the check out line at Toys 'R Us with my mom, the sound I heard from the back of the store pierced me. The wailing got louder and louder as it got closer to the front door until a cart was pushed past the end of the isle and through the check out lines. Every head in the front of the store turned and saw a mother, with a face of fury and rage, as she pulled her kicking and screaming son from the cart and practically ran from the store. Whatever it was he wanted, he didn't get. And he did everything he could to get down and go back inside for it.

I applaud her. For not giving it to him just to shut him up like so many parents do. But my heart also broke for her. Everyone was staring at her wondering what she would do to him when they got outside. You could hear people saying, "My parents would never ..." and even a "My kid would never ..." And I found myself thinking, "Please, God, don't ever let my kid freak out like that."

My Scriptural Position on Dental Care

2006-10-04T16:49:00.000-04:00

It drives me crazy. People who are so busy over-analyzing little details about religion that they are doing nothing to bring people to Christ. In fact, they are probably doing more to drive people away from faith than anything.

The Christian Chronicle told of the results of such arguing. http://www.christianchronicle.org/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=461 In several countries around the world, churches once began by missionaries are suffering because someone comes in and starts teaching that one thing or another is wrong. The focus is taken off of teaching Christ and Him crucified to teaching that a certain practice is wrong. Consider these issues:

one cup or two?
singing during communion or silence?
only one translation of the Bible or several that are acceptable?

I cannot understand how Christians can get so angry with each other over details of practice. To spend so much time and energy trying to figure out precisely what was done by Christ and the early church so that we can precisely do what He did and be what they were. It ain't gonna happen. For one thing, Jesus didn't brush His teeth. Or maybe He did. But we aren't TOLD He did, so therefore we shouldn't brush our teeth, either ... right? Hey, I know a dentist in Searcy who might like that. If all the Christians in Searcy decided to stop brushing their teeth, Lainey and Landon's college would be paid for before they start kindergarten!

Here's the reality: No matter where we go to church, no matter the name on our building's sign, WE DO NOT DO EVERYTHING EXACTLY LIKE CHRIST DID! When we are called to follow Christ, we are called to follow the heart of Christ, not the exact steps of Christ. We are not told every step of Christ. We are, however, given examples of things He did to demonstrate the love of the Father for the people around Him. So go brush your teeth and do the same for the people in your lives.

Breast Cancer Awareness

2006-10-03T14:46:00.000-04:00

For those of you I don't have on an e-mail list, my mom's surgery went very well this morning. They were able to remove the entire spot they went in for and did not find anything unexpected. We should have biopsy results will in a few days. She'll begin radiation treatments in a couple of weeks, once her incision from the lumpectomy is healed.

October is breast cancer awareness month. I encourage you to show your support in the fight against breast cancer in some way. http://www.nbcam.org/ Women, mamograms are not fun, but they could save your life. It's likely they saved my mother's life.

No Thanks for the Memories

2006-09-30T10:20:00.000-04:00

Memories,
Like the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? could we?
Mem'ries, may be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...
The way we were...

I have a hard time remembering things. Not every day things in my life right now, or really big things like birthdays or major events. But everyday things from the past. It drives my parents' crazy because they'll say, "Do you remember when we went to ... " and I don't. My earliest, clearest memory is not a happy one, and for the most part, I have small glimpses of memories of my childhood, but not clear, close-your-eyes-and-you're-back-there memories. And yet there are memories I have that I'd kind of like to erase from my mind.

If there was a way to erase moments from your memory, would you? I mean, if there was a procedure or a medication that could be done to erase only certain things from your mind, would you chose to do it? Arguments or accidents or kisses or injuries? Are there files stored in the back corners of your brain that too often get brought to the front and linger there? If you could, somehow feed the file through a paper shredder, would you? And since this is my hypothetical, I can say the removal would not cause any harm and would not change anything, other than putting an end to the moments that haunt you.

An immediate reaction would be to say it would be totally impossible. Because even the bad memories have shaped us into who we are, and if they weren't there we wouldn't be who we are. So I'm not suggesting to go back and change the past, simply to not be able to remember some of it so well? Do you have any moments you sometimes wish you could forget? And if you could, would you?

I do understand the idea of looking back and things seeming not as hard as they were in reality. The Way We Were is a great song, but I don't think it's all that true. The painful things are the ones I cannot "simply choose to forget." Sometimes I'd like to. And sometimes the laughter we do remember is a part of the painful things we wish we could simply choose to forget. We all have things in our past that were nnecessarilyily bad moments, but in the light of who we are today, are not good memories - habits we had, loves we had, places we went or choices we made. The ghosts that haunt us live to scare away the happy things in our lives. Andtrulyely believe God is the only One who cexorciseise some of those demons.

So. If you could forget, would you? And are there things your life would be better off if you could block out?

Doubly Blessed

2006-09-27T17:46:00.000-04:00

When Cooper was about two weeks old, Todd Miller and the elders at Downtown called our family to the front and they prayed over us. They prayed for our son's physical, emotional and spiritual well-being, prayed that Jimmy and I would be God-centered parents for him, that Abigail would be a good sister, and that our church family there would be a source of strength, encouragement and love for him. Cooper was the first baby at Downtown to be displayed on the huge screen and when his picture was shown, and we loved hearing the "Awwww..."

He'll be doubly blessed, because each year our church family here in Ashland has a Parent Dedication where they pray for the families of children born in the past year. Even though Cooper exceeds the 12 month guidelines, they have asked us to be a part of that day. We are honored and would never turn down prayers for our son and our family.

It's funny, though. When I was pregnant with Abigail, I was wishing we could do something similar. When I went to the Highland Church of Christ in Abilene, TX, I watched and listened and got teary when they had baby blessings and looked forward to the same moment for my kids. Jimmy and I took the idea to the elders and they thought it was a good one. So Abigail was one of the first babies dedicated by the church here in Ashland. It's nice to have them both prayed for and loved by both church families.

And yet, there are people who don't think such actions - baby blessings or parent dedications or whatever you call them - are scriptural. Just like so many people are overly cautious about any new practice. Why are so many opposed to seeking out new ways to honor God, to praise and worship His name and to seek his wisdom and counsel in our lives? It's sad to see them look at an opportunity to praise God for life and to ask for His guidance and think, "No where in the Bible does it say to do this." The entire Word screams that we should. In everything we do. In every moment we are alive.

The Cancer Fight

2006-09-25T19:58:00.000-04:00

I ask you to pause and pray for Kevin and Cindy Owen. Kevin is one of the ministers at the Montogermy Road Church of Christ in Albuquerque, NM where my best friend, Lila, serves as the Children's Minister. Cindy has been fighting cancer for about four months and - like most cancer fights - their struggle has been an emotional one. They are a great testimony of leaning on Christ and on brothers and sisters to survive the unsurvivable. Here's a link to their blog: http://cindyowen.blogspot.com/

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Speaking of cancer fights, the kids and I leave for Maryland on Monday, Oct.2 and will be back here Wednesday, Oct. 11. My mother's surgery is scheduled for Oct. 3. Surgery will be followed by raditaion.

My grandmother will have surgery on Oct. 2 to install a pump in her back to administer sea shell venom. It will **hopefully** provide her with some relief to the pain that has kept her on her back for most of the past three years.

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Fall TV

2006-09-20T14:51:00.000-04:00

I have become a TV junkie. Almost every night of the week there are shows we like to watch. Even better is that now we have DVR and we don't necessarily have to stay up and watch them or try to watch and get kids ready for bed. We DVR the show and watch it later. And even better that that is that we're learning new things - it's like taking college classes from the comfort of your couch. How to decorate, how to track down sickos, and best of all, how to practice medicine. I have learned how to read someone their Miranda rights (I read them to Abby just the other day!) and I am CERTAIN that if need be, I could put in an endotracheal tube or - if I had a pen - perform a traceotomy to help somebody breathe.

Here's our fall line-up:

SUNDAYS
If we're home we watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. We like it for two reasons. Obviously, the warm fuzzy of helping people who need a better living situation then they already have. But I also like seeing all of the really cool stuff that, if you had Ty Pennington and a free pass to Sears, you could decorate your own home with.

We might watch Brothers and Sisters, a new show on ABC. We like Calista Flockhart, and we love Sally Field. We'll see if the premiere gets us or not.

MONDAYS

Again, if we're home, we like Deal or No Deal. Howie Mandel is alright, but what cracks me up about this show is how people beg the models to give them a good number - as if the Size 0 beauties could control the number in their suitcase. Of course, you find yourself thinking you can KNOW which box is the best bet from your couch at home. I did win $750,000 on the NBC website's game. To bad I lost it when I disconnected my internet.

TUESDAYS

We watch two shows on Tuesday night. First, at 8 p.m., is House. Dr. Gregory House is a total smart aleck with funny and frustrating quirks, and the patients' ailments are always so out-there -- BUT TRUE. Like the kid last week who's undeveloped twin had left DNA remains in his body when they were in utero?! Yeah - weird. The other thing that's odd about the show? Watching Lisa Edelstein as a woman when you saw her as a man on Ally McBeal and, even more, watching the show once you've heard Hugh Laurie talk in an interview. THE MAN IS BRITISH, but he does an impressive NJ accent.

At 10 p.m., we watch Law and Order S.V.U. Mariska Hargity and Christopher Meloni are incredible performers, but I think the draw to this one is watching good cops catch the really bad, nasty guys. I guess deep down I watch and I hope that good REAL cops are catching the REAL bad, nasty guys. Plus, it's set in NYC so it's cool to see places we've been to!

WEDNESDAYS
So far, we don't watch anything on Wednesdays. Yes, we are two of the 23 adults in America who do NOT watch Lost. We loved Invasion and are pretty ticked at NBC for pulling the show. And with no resolution. I suppose when American Idol starts, we'll watch that. But even with it, we don't like to start watching until close to the end. Although, the first few episodes are funny because some of the people who go to the try-outs cannot sing AT ALL.

THURSDAYS
Thursday is another two-show night. ABC's summer marketing plan of showing Grey's Anatomy three nights a week worked because I have been sucked in. Ellen Pompeo isn't an overly gorgeous woman, but she is such a real character. I never imagined Patrick Dempsey would ever stop being a teen-romance star in my own mind. But I've gotten hooked on the show this summer, and I'm ready to see where they take things.

Of course, we are still ER fans. Have been since about the second season. I always preferred Green to Ross, and even though they're both gone, I still like the show. I do like the older episodes better - when I'm home in the mornings, I'll put on TNT and half-way watch the reruns. Yesterday Dr. Green had his brain surgery and I thought about the episode where he dies and ... anyway. The "new ER" includes a recently widowed military wife and Abby and Luka's baby being born. I'm intrigued.

FRIDAY
We're not often home on Fridays, but when we are we like to watch Las Vegas. Josh Duhmel is so hot (Jimmy doesn't like him cause he's hot, but because his character Danny McCoy is a Marine) and the whole cast is funny. Again, there is some satisfaction you have when it's over and the bad guys have been caught. But like I said, Josh Duhmel is gorgeous.

So that's what we're watching. What's on your tube this season?

Fun and the Fair

2006-09-20T10:09:00.000-04:00

I finally got the last few fair pictures to post! Enjoy!

Take Me To The Fair

2006-09-19T09:51:00.000-04:00

We had a great night at the Ashland County Fair. As soon as we parked the van, Cooper's mouth dropped open at the sight of the lights and the rides. We went in and since it was Veterans' Night, Jimmy was admitted free. Saving $4 was cool, but even cooler for him was when some older Jarheads noticed his U.S.M.C. hat and said "Semper Fi" to him as they passed.

In we went and Abby started naming off the rides she wanted to go on. First was the swings. She had a blast. She actually got to ride two times in a row. At one point we wondered if she was about to barf over the side of her swing, but she didn't! She had a blast. Ride pictures will get added later!

We walked around and Jimmy made his way for the Fair Food. He says it's the most important thing about going to the fair. Italian Sausage, Blooming Potatoes, Cheese-on-a-Stick, Gyros, Funnel Cake, Elephant Ear, Deep Fried Oreos, Apply Dumplings ... so much food. No, we didn't get all of that. We just had the sausage, the funnel cake and the deep fried Oreos (which were SOOO surprisingly good!) Abby got sick of the food before Jimmy did:

After we ate, we headed to the barns to see the animals. Cooper loves horses so going through the horse barns were his favorite. The picture below was taken next to a HUGE horse. It's head seemed bigger than Cooper's entire body!

Abby really liked seeing all of the rabbits. She was amazed at the ones with big fat waddles hanging down. Personally, I never knew rabbits got as fat as some of these rabbits did. Her favorite, though, were these little mini-rabbits.

Cooper and I had fun with these parrot sheep. That's not what they're really called, but whatever variation of "Baa" we said to them, they echoed and Cooper laughed. It was funny to watch.

It's such a neat thing to take our children back to our own childhoods. It's why the Jersey Shore is a big deal to me and why my daughter has been to New York City four times in her four years of life. It's why taking my kids back to ACU is special to me and why Jimmy wanted me to learn how to make chocolate syrup. Jimmy made the comment last night that when he thought about going to the fair, he was thinking about the things that he wanted to do. It meant even more to spend the entire night doing what the kids wanted to do. It brings together who he was as a kid and who they are as kids. Here's to helping our kids know where we come from as they learn who they are.

The Fruit of the Spirit

2006-09-15T10:45:00.000-04:00

Abby loves the Fruit of the Spirit song that Jimmy Woodell taught her.

"The fruit of the Spirit's not a watermelon - watcha' yellin ... The fruit of the Spirit's not a kiwi - wee ... The fruit of the Spirit's not a banana- nah ... The fruit of the Spirit's not a kumquat- watcha' got ... Cause the Spirit's got ... love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control ... "

(For the record, before I ran spell check I had really butchered the spelling of kumquat.)

At Faulkner and Brecheen last weekend I heard another take on the fruit of the Spirit.

The first fruit of the Holy Spirit living actively in your life is Love. It's the first one mentioned, because all of the rest come from it.

Joy is LOVE when you're happy
Peace is LOVE when things are at rest
Patience is LOVE waiting
Kindness is LOVE in action
Goodness is LOVE's core ingredient
Faithfulness is LOVE being loyal
Gentleness is LOVE being careful with something fragile
Self-Control is LOVE with a firm grip on self

It reminded me that how we demonstrate love is really a demonstration of our willingness to let the Spirit of God work in us for His will to be seen. My goal for myself is that when I feel myself lacking in any of one these, I can remind myself that if I am really a princess of God, a person of love, I must work every day to show the fruits of love in my life.

Being vs. Doing

2006-09-13T16:22:00.000-04:00

I had an epiphany this weekend. We went to Faulkner and Breechen's Marriage Enrichment Seminar in Columbus and one of the best parts was we, along with a handful of others, got to eat lunch with the Drs. Jimmy actually got to sit right next to Dr. Faulkner and really enjoyed the time to talk with him about relationships, but also about the church in general. The conversation - we were the only ones not in full-time, paid-by-the-congregation, ministry - was awesome. At some point I realized something.

We - and I speak specifically of the c of c, but from talking with friends who attend at other buildings, I think we're not the only ones - have gotten so caught up in DOING church right, that we are not giving any attention to BEING the church God calls us to be.

I even think I know why. (I'm full of knowledge.) The word of God gives us much more instruction about how to be the bride of Christ than how to order what happens between 8 a.m. and noon on Sunday mornings. So of course we, as humans, take the path that leaves the most interpretation and, therefore control, up to us. It's much more fun to spend a lot of time getting upset about what WE think or believe or claim to be truth, than it is to spend a lot of time doing what God the Father told us to do. It's the ultimate struggle between parent and child. Children want to do things their way, even when they know they should do things their parents' way.

But God is not a typical Father. Yes, He will love us unconditionally. Yes, He will forgive our sins. But He also made it pretty clear how He expects us to live. It has very little to do with song order or instruments or women's roles or clapping hands. And it has a whole lot to do with love and service and sacrifice.

So. Are you DOING or BEING?

September 11, 2001

2006-09-10T22:31:00.000-04:00

Sunday afternoon we were in our bedroom and Jimmy realized what today's date was. "Tomorrow is September 11," he said out loud. Like I mentioned in a recent post, Abby is full of questions these days, so her response didn't surprise us, "What's Sept. 11?" I'm guessing she assumed it was a cool holiday. Maybe it involved presents or food or something fun. It wasn't the answer she expects.

Jimmy pulled her onto his lap and told her the events of the day. Probably more than most people would tell a child, but we try to be pretty honest with her and told her nothing she couldn't hear. She's been to the place where the World Trade Center used to be - several times in fact - but never got to see those buildings in person. Christmas of 2001, my brother bought us a large framed poster of the twin towers and that is the only way she knows what they looked like.

We want to make a trip back to New Jersey soon to see my family, but also because it's been a while since we've been to Manhattan. We want to see the rebuilding that has been done. We want to see the reminders of tragedy, but even more the reminders of hope, of a nation's unity.

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I was sitting at my desk in the Admissions Office of Ashland University. I had just gotten back from the bathroom. I had thrown up for the third time that morning. Don't believe the lie that morning sickness ends after the first trimester. I only had eight weeks left till I was due to deliver my first child and I still got sick almost every morning. My boss's wife called him and seconds later he came into the main office and told us somebody had lost control of an airplane and it had crashed into one of the Twin Towers. We had to put a radio near a window so we could get good reception of a news station, and within minutes it became clear this was no accidental loss of control.

My mind raced. I sat in shock and silence, my mind racing a million miles a minute. My brother called and asked about our uncle, Robert, who works in DC. Then to my aunt and cousins who frequently take the train into NYC from the Jersey Shore. And as they announced the closing of American airports, my mind raced to my parents who were working in Ukpom, Nigeria as missionaries. My daughter was due in 8 weeks and my mom is supposed to be here. I wondered if she'd make it.

We listened as our President, in whom I had - and still have - tremendous faith, declared it an act of war. As we all began to face the reality that more Americans would probably be forced to put their lives on the line to make this wrong right, my mind raced to my husband, Jimmy, who had one year left in the inactive Marine reserves. To my brother-in-law Joe, who was in the Air Force. And as each day went by, to the other men in my life who all said they would go if they asked for men to join the fight. I guess I never really imagined there would be another war in my lifetime, but it quickly became evident what the times ahead would hold. I prayed over and over that the fight would not go on for so long that any of those men would only be names to Abigail because they died protecting this country. And yet I know any of them would.

I remember thinking that someday she would be in history class learning about Tuesday, Sept. 11, 2001, and what happened that day and she will ask me where I was when I heard. I rubbed my stomach throughout the day, telling her how sorry I was that the world I would soon bring her in to was in the condition it was. But then I sang over and over, "This is my Father's world. Let me ne'er forget. That though the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the ruler yet! This is my Father's world. The battle is not done. Jesus who died shall be satisfied and earth and heaven be one."

In the midst of the darkness and sorrow, our hearts and minds turned to God like, for many Americans, it never had before. If those behind this act thought they would destroy our nation by doing this, they were quite mistaken. As we turned to God for strength, we only became stronger. And here we stand five years later. stories of hope abound, and stories of sadness. The war that began that day is not yet finished, perhaps it never will be. And thought it may someday truly cease, wars will come again. People will do terrible, horrible things to other people for all kinds of reasons. But in the end, I believe God will show that this is, in fact, His world. Not ours. And certainly not Satan's.

Kids and Mothers

2006-09-07T08:31:00.000-04:00

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I GOT MY CAMERA BACK!!!!!!!!!

And I have to say that I DO have the most adorable children God has ever made. I mean, some of you are my friends, and I'm not saying your children are ugly, by any means. But quite frankly, they are NOT as cute as Abigail and Cooper are. Sorry!

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For those of you who don't know, my mother has been diagnosed with ductal carcinoma in-situ, grade 3. In non ER or Grey's Anatomy or House terms: breast cancer. They do believe it is still in the ducts and has not spread further, but the grade 3 (not the same as the phrase "stage 3" you might hear associated with cancer) does mean it is high risk. She will see a surgeon this afternoon at 3 E.S.T. to determine what they will do and when they'll do it. Please keep her and my dad in your prayers.

Who? What? Where? When? Why? How?

2006-09-05T09:09:00.000-04:00

Abby is really throwing the questions at us lately. Sunday morning she was watching me make cinnamon rolls (usually she helps but I was in a hurry) using the recipe I have used since I was a child. Out of nowhere she asked, "Will you teach me how to be a mom?"

"Of course," was my reply.
"How?" she wondered.
"Well ... I hope that I am a good Mommy to you." I searched for the right words. "And you see the things I do and don't do, and that someday, you'll be a good mom to your kids."
"I have a lot to learn," she said. I sensed fear in her voice.
"Honey, a lot of being a mom just comes to you because you love your kids so much. And some of it you'll learn by watching me and by watching other moms."
"Well, I have a while to learn it," she answered.
"AT LEAST 20 YEARS!!!" I wanted to scream.

And then Steve Irwin died yesterday. She's been pretty sad about it because she and her dad have watched that show together since she was a baby. Abby has asked to write a letter to his wife and children and we are going to help her do that.

I know nothing about his faith so I have been cautious to make any reference to his afterlife. Yesterday she asked Jimmy if he had broken his heart. He explained that about the sting ray's body and explained that he had been poked in the heart. That it made his heart stop working and he died. Her response:

"Daddy, I want to die and go to heaven so I can still see Steve Irwin."

Crikey!! If losing Steve Irwin hits her this much, what will she think if she looses a friend, a grandparent, or Jimmy, Cooper or I? How do we respond when someone they knows dies and they question where they are? I mean, if I know the person and I feel pretty confident I know where they are, I hope she find peace in knowing they are in heaven. But when I don't and she wonders, I guess all I can tell her is that we can hope and pray that they knew God and loved God and obeyed God and that they are with Him now.

Heavenly Father, give me the words to speak to my children so that I may teach them what they need to know, so that they can have your peace in times of sadness, and so that they may have your hope in their own lives.

CRIKEY!

2006-09-04T12:51:00.000-04:00

Just a quick post. Since Abigail was a baby, she and her Dad have watched The Crocodile Hunter together. "Crikey!" was the first things we taught her when she began "performing" for people (you know how parents are.) Jimmy has looked at Abby a million times and said, "Isn't she gorgeous!" and even bought her a plastic crocodile for Christmas. While he was at harding, when he would get home from class Jimmy would get her and say, "Let's go watch alligators!"

Steve Irwin died earlier today doing what he loved. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060904/ap_on_en_tv/obit_irwin

So - thank you. To Steve Irwin for providing special memories for my litter girl and her Daddy. They have lost a great TV friend.

Garage Sales, Nurserys, Mean Kids, Moving, The Big Easy and Ministry

2006-09-03T16:36:00.000-04:00

I have so many things I could blog about and I have really had a hard time picking one. So here are quick blurbs on several things ...

We are almost done with a garage sale where we're selling most of our kids' clothes ... that they've grown out of that is. It's a little sad to look at little outfits and imagine they were ever that small.

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Speaking of which ... Cooper moved out of the nursery in church today. He won't be 2 until November but since there are only three 3 year-olds, they asked if I wanted to put him in. He did great and brought out his first Sunday school craft. If we had our camera back from Nikon, I'd post a picture. Look for it later this week.

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Only a few days into school and already Abby has looked at me with sad eyes and said, "_________ wouldn't play with me." The girl's name is irrelevant, but that my sweet, precious daughter felt left out and unwanted by someone. It broke my heart until this afternoon. She was playing with her cousin, Drake, and it was decided they would NOT play with Drake's sister, Brooke. When I found out, I reminded Abby how she felt with she was left out. She apologized to Brooke and they all went about playing. But later - THE SAME DAY - Brooke again wanted to play. Drake and Abby both told her, "We can't hear you. We turned our ears off." This time she got more than a calm lecture on feelings. I do not want a mean kid, and I will do all I can to
prevent it.

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The thing I hate most about moving is the sadness that comes with realizing people go on without you.

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Am I the only one that is shocked that Ray Nagin would compare the Sept. 11 attacks to the devastation on the Gulf Coast last year?

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Jimmy and I are both jumping into ministries here in Ashland. Jimmy has taken over the Young Men's Training Class and I am rebuilding our Women's Ministry. Both need your prayers if you want to be partners-from-a-distance.

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That's it for now. We're headed to an elders' meeting.

My Bachelorette Days

2006-08-20T14:06:00.000-04:00

Any time now my life as a single woman will come to an end. Okay, so really it ended seven years and two weeks ago, then it REALLY ended four and a half years ago, then it REALLY REALLY ended a year and a half ago. But on Friday night Abigail and Cooper slept and Jimmy's parents' house. Jimmy got out of bed at some point Saturday morning and left to go with the kids, his parents, his brother and his wife and their kids to go camping south of us. I felt a little guilty for not going ... not very, though.

The trip would have been fun, I have no doubt. But for the first time in 7 years I had 36 hours to myself! Saturday morning I slept until 11:30. I got out of bed, had a frozen pizza and scrapbooked. (I had cropped for about 3 hours the night before.) I went out with a friend to get baby shower supplies, then came home and cropped some more. Last night I went by myself and saw World Trade Center. Minot be the best movie to watch alone (the Minot thing is a family joke), but still a great movie. This morning I went to church by myself and went to out new Super Walmart by myself.

It's been nice to have such silence, but I've missed them, the people that bring noise and chaos into my life. I've missed the noise and chaos (but not between 10 p.m. Friday night and 11:30 Saturday morning.) I've missed the hugs and kisses and hysterical laughter. I haven't so much missed the poopy diapers, but Cooper had one for me as soon as he came home.

I've gotta go, I hear the bellowing of an old Blazer coming down the alley. I have great hugs coming.

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P.S. I asked Abby what the coolest thing about her trip was. She said, "The coolest thing was swimming in the lake. But the best thing was coming home to you."

Top Eleven Things I Miss About Living in Searcy

2006-08-15T12:39:00.000-04:00

Despite their big 80’s hair, Cinderella was right - you don’t know what you got till it’s gone. Well, I guess I did know some of these things or else I wouldn't have spent the month of March seriously dehydrated from crying. But now that we’ve been gone almost five months, here are the things I miss the most.

11. The Scrapbook Attic and Monthly Crops at the church: There is one place here in Ashland to buy what I need to feed my addiction and I was not impressed. While the staff at the shop on Race Street in Searcy wasn’t the friendliest, they knew how to meet my photo archival needs. I haven’t scrapped since February, and those who know me well, know that is a HUGE deal. I think a part of that has been because it’s not easy to get the things I need. But a bigger part of it has been that I no longer get together with the same people once a month and crop. I miss being together, the scheduled time to work on my books and the selection of stuff to use that was on hand. Fellow croppers – never fear. I will be caught up at the end of this week!
10. Sonic, Grandpas, Lenny's and Doc’s Grill: Funny that when you live there, you think you have to drive to Little Rock to go to a “decent” restaurant. But there is no place I’d rather go for BBQ than Grandpas, there are NO fast foods places with decent drinks besides Sonic, Wednesday nights seem incomplete without dinner at Lenny's and sometimes I wake up at night craving Doc’s Nachos and a salad with their house dressing. Last week I was even wanting the Pizza Pro buffet!! And speaking of buffetts, Ryan’s buffet is SO much better than Ponderosa or Golden Corrall.
9. Gaucho’s: You do have to drive to Little Rock for this one. Gaucho’s is a Brazilian churrascaria. For those uninformed on Brazilian cuisine, it’s stinkin' delicious. At Gaucho’s, they skewer fifteen different meats and cook them over an open flame. It’s kind of like American BBQ only instead of using beef chopped and smashed into patties or long skinny pieces of meat parts, they use the good stuff: top roast, bottom roast, ribs, lamb, parmesan chicken, sausage, meatballs, pork loin … the list goes on. And of course, the pineapple. We’ve tried to do it at home and it’s not the same.
8. Super Walmart: Another thing that when you live in Searcy you don’t think too highly of, but when there isn’t one around, you wonder how the world ever made it befre Sam Walton. Here in Ashland we’ve existed for years with a regular Walmart and a bunch of grocery stores. As of 7 a.m. tomorrow, we move into the “Super” world. I like the grocery stores here, but when you’re dragging two kids around with you, one stop shopping is awesome.
7. People I Could Drop In On: Boy could I use it right now. Jimmy is gone this week and I have very little back-up. When I get bored I want to shop, but in Searcy, I could go to someone's house to kill time. There, I knew I could drop in on Heather or Kami or Elena any time of day. We didn’t have to have plans to get together, we just got together. So the kids could play, sure. But really, so the moms could play. Let the kids entertain each other! In defense, today I did spend a while at the Slaters' house. It was scheduled, but it still served it's purpose: good conversation and distracted children, all without denting my checking account.
8. Educated Friends with Kids: While we’re on the topic, it’s funny that when I mention that we moved here from Arkansas, people think we lived in hill-billy heaven. Not so. Searcy is not nearly as hick as Ashland is. Probably because of the university’s influence there, or maybe it was just the circles we traveled in, but I miss my kids having friends with decent grammar. “Him” is not cute and “her” does not have curly hair. The County fair, though lots of fun and full of great food, is hardly a reason to close school, but they have to since 97.6% of the kids in town have a pig or a cow or a chicken to show.
5. Downtown: How do you leave a church where the leadership consists of such strong men of prayer, where the services are not about maintaining any certain traditions, but about worshipping God and edifying brothers and sisters? How do you leave a church family with people your age and such a heart for growing children of faith. If anyone in Searcy reads this, please print it and bring it to James McDuffie. (Abby was on my lap at a breakfast this weekend and they sang Listen to our Hearts. She sang “on no” and looked at me and said, “Mommy, I miss James.”)
4. Children’s Church: I want my children to know how to sit quietly in church, but I also want occasional times to be able to focus 100% on the service. At Downtown we were able to do both. Two Sundays a month Abby sat with us. She sang along, bowed her head … and got to color during the sermon. The other two Sundays she went with the rest of the kids to a kids’ service. They sang kid songs and grown up songs, the lesson was presented on their level. It was always interesting that when we left on weeks without Children’s Church, she talked about her friends or her Bible class. But when she had gone upstairs, she talked about that service.
3. Big Momma and Pawpaw: All the Woodells, really. The family you choose doesn’t replace the family you were born into, but there is something … different about growing into a family, as opposed to being born into one. Not to minimize your family of origin, but there is something unique about meeting two people, who through their love and prayers and wisdom and laughter and more prayers become like parents to you. Abby stayed with them when I was in the hospital having Cooper. I helped their youngest son get a wife and their oldest son gave Jimmy an awesome job. Their daughters-in-law were great girlfriends to me and their grandchildren were like cousins to Abby and Cooper. I love Roger and Andrea Kondrup, but I think even they are thankful that over the course of my life, God has given me other “parents” to learn from and love.
2. The Wyatts: I never expected the friendship. We became friends when Teresa ditched us and moved to South Carolina. I held their son when he weighed about 5 lbs. and marveled as I watched Landon and Lainey grow. It was nice being friends with your dentist, although a little awkward at times. And last December put a permanent seal on our places in each other's hearts. We never know where the most precious people in our lives will come from. It's funny that we can sit in a room with someone for a year and not know that down the road, we might save their life, and they might save our spirit.
1. MOPS: A sisterhood. A common ground. People with families like yours, interests like yours, goals like yours, and ideals like yours. Lots of similarities, and yet a great diversity, unified by having little people in our lives not yet in school. Twenty-five women you could talk about anything with: child-rearing, body image, traveling, depression, sex, marriage … But for me, even more special than all twenty-five were the seven or eight who led the group together. I was friends with them all, but I wouldn't say close friends. But I was close to our group. And I miss them all - Angie, Dijana, Nicole, Tia, April, Brenda, Heather and Kami. I miss working together and the craziness the day of the meetings. I miss praying together.

I know that life goes on. I know that leaving anywhere is hard and you wonder how you’ll make it somewhere else. And I know that one day a few years down the road, you wake up and think, “Who was I before I lived here?” And I guess what I’ll keep hoping is that just as I carried Sea Bright, NJ, Abilene, TX, Riverhead, NY, and Rumson, NJ with me, I will carry Searcy, AR with me as well. I don't know if I'll ever get back there - and I'm not sure I'll ever entirely leave.

Between History and the Future

2006-08-10T13:51:00.000-04:00

I have awesome, beautiful memories of sitting next to my Grandmother in church. The song I always hear when I am back in that moment is How Great Thou Art, especially the chorus. I can so clearly hear her sweet, southern, soprano voice as she sang of the greatness of God. I bought her a music box that played the song and, when Abigail was born, a plaque with the words to hang in her bedroom.

Sunday we sang it in church. Jimmy was preaching at another church and Cooper was in the nursery with Ashley so it was just Abby and I. We sang How Great Thou Art and as we began the chorus, I was taken back, as I usually am. I closed my eyes and heard that voice, but in my left ear was another voice. The soft, sweet voice of my daughter.

Then sings my soul, my Saviour God to thee
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!
Then sings my soul, my Saviour God to thee
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!

To be there between the history that my faith is rooted in, and the future I am hoping to pass that faith on to. What a moment. One I will never forget.

Sunrise, Sunset

2006-07-29T00:29:00.000-04:00

In all the thinking and reading and advising about this whole kindergarten issue, one thing never really crossed my mind. I've thought about how smart Abby is. I've thought about her physical stature. I've thought about her ability to learn and remember things and her personality and how interpersonal skills. But today after the school psychologist called me with her test date, something else hit me. My first born may start school in a few weeks.

Maybe being back in this house makes it worse. I peed on a stick in this bathroom and saw two lines. We brought her home from the hospital to this house, to this bedroom. We rocked and rocked her through colicky screaming. She had her first foods here and loved frozen lemonade in this dining room. I video taped her for hours waiting to catch her rolling over ... than crawling ... all in this living room.

And now she runs around the place like crawling was centuries ago. She answers the phone and plays on the computer. She waters the flowers and goes and hangs out in the neighbor's yard. She tells me at least once a day that though she doesn't know who she's going to marry, she is going to live in Searcy when she gets married. Of course, she also wants to have a different job every day of the week.

But right now we're thinking about kindergarten. Maybe in a month, maybe in a year and a month, she'll go to school. She'll have homework and school projects and field trips and programs. I love watching her grow and learn. What a blessing to be her mom. What a blessing to be her friend.

House Pictures, Round 1

2006-07-18T14:12:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone! I have FINALLY gotten pictures taken and uploaded to my blog. Here are some shots of Abby's room, Cooper's room and the living room. I'll keep trying to get more added with our bedroom soon!

Milestones

2006-07-12T14:58:00.000-04:00

If you're waiting on exciting reports on getting settled back in our house, you're out of luck. I mean, we are pretty settled, and I'll blog about that soon. But today is devoted to my kids. We've had some big milestones in the house recently, despite having our stuff all over Ashland County. I could tell you about Cooper almost stabbing Abby in the eye with a fork, or about Abby asking how we could “fly to Jesus” (thank you Chris Rice) without having wings, or about Cooper being terrible when I take him to a restaurant but people telling me what an angel he is when they do, or about Abby trying to share some of Phil McKinney’s children’s church insanity to our calm, mellow church here.

I won’t. Here are some that have been really awesome to watch:

Abigail

To be honest (and I've told him this) I wasn't thrilled when Chris decided - without asking - to take Abby's training wheels off of her Dora bike to teach her how to ride without them. For one thing, Jimmy was in Pennsylvania, meaning he couldn't be a part of the experience. Besides, I didn't really think she was ready. Silly me. Within a few days of practicing without the extra wheels, she's doing an awesome job. She looks so big when she's riding ... and funny, she usually has her mouth wide open like she's silently screaming. She did something else this week that made us see just how big she’s getting. If you know Abby, you know her pink blanket. The beautiful crocheted blanket made by Kate, the lady who lived beside us when Abby was born, and who lives beside us again. For more than four and a half years, that blanket has been snuggled and pulled on, and although we’ve limited when it could leave the house, it’s still falling apart. While my mom was here, Abby asked her Nana to fix it. We explained to her that we could try to fix it, but that because of how it’s made, it’ll only fall apart again with time. She agreed to putting the blanket, and some other precious momentos from her babyhood into a shadowbox. Last night when I checked on her before I went to bed, it made me a little sad to see her sound asleep, but no pink blankie in sight.

Cooper

I was nervous about having our second child. Second children – generally – do everything later than first borns, and boys – generally – do many things later than girls. Abby talked early, walked early, got teeth early and did … well just about everything else “early.” I was afraid Cooper would seem like an idiot.

So far, he’s only behind on one thing: getting teeth. Most babies have twelve teeth by 19 months. Cooper had six. However, since his 19 month birthday (June 29) has fixed all that. He got one molar about two weeks ago. Early last week we noticed swelling and the beginning of white spots in three other spots. They’re all out now. In fact, one day while my mom was here, we left Mansfield only being able to see one of the teeth, you still couldn’t feel it. By the time we got to Ashland (about 20 min.) it had pushed through the gum. He was miserable. So were we.

The delay in teeth hasn’t delayed his talking, however. People are constantly amazed at how much he can say for a child his age. He’ll repeat just about anything you ask him to say (and some things you don’t.) He loves to say, “Thank you - bye, bye!” and “Boofball!” (translated: goofball) He loves “ho-sies” (translated: horsies) and “choo-choo chain” (translated: choo-choo train.)

I HATE MOVING

2006-07-06T11:18:00.000-04:00

I hate moving. You may have thought my dread of moving had to do with leaving Downtown or missing friends or moving back to Ohio ... nope. Never really cared about any of that stuff. I just did not want to pack and unpack again. Okay, so I'm a liar.

While there is a small - and I do mean SMALL - amount of excitement tied to settling up a new home, for the most part, it's nothing but stress, physical labor, long hours and fighting. At least that's how this week has seemed for our family.

It's my parents' fault, really. And if we're going to be real specific, my dad's fault. I don't think my mom likes moving any more than I do. Maybe I inherited it from her, so it's more her fault. Either way, they should have to pay for the therapy my husband and I and my kids will need after we're unpacked.

Anyway, it's almost done. We've slept their twice now. I think I missed my king sized bed more than anything else (thank you Jim and Kami.) I forget Jimmy is there sometimes. And while in Searcy the bed took up 3/4 of the room, here it doesn't even take uphalf. It might even fit in my closet.

I promise a good update on the house once the computer is there.

*****************************

Three prayer requests:

1. Jimmy's youngest brother, Christopher, arrived safely in Germany yesterday (after getting to see Scotland and Ireland on a "pit-stop." He'll be gone for about three weeks. Chris is in the Air National Guard and flew over on a C-130. Germany isn't nearly as scary for us as if they had sent him to Iraq, but we still ask your prayers for his safe traveling, that he do his jobs well while he is there and also that he make wise choices.

2. Our brother-in-law, Joe, recently accepted a job as a Patrol Deputy with the Anderson County Sheriff's Office in Knoxville, TN. We pray that God will guard Joe and keep him safe when he is working, and also that he can be light to the people he interacts with. Joe and Rebecca moved to Knoxville just before we moved back to Ashland. Their little boy, Evan, will be 2 in August, and Rebecca is expecting their second baby in February.

3. My best friend, Lila, is the children's minister at the Montgomery church of Christ in Albuquerque, NM. Their minister's wife is struggling with sever cancer. Here is a link to their blog.

Those Dreaded Words

2006-06-29T13:20:00.000-04:00

I fear them coming. I guess every parents does. Wonders when their child, their little angel that they carried for months (or watched their wife carry) and they nursed (or watched their wife nurse) and they loved and cuddled and adored will come look at them and say, "I don't like you."

I expect to hear it soon. I thought I was going to hear it today. We have officially declared war on Abigail's thumb. Now, we're not telling her she has to quit altogether yet - naps and bedtime are fine. But for her, it's a boredom thing. When she's watching TV or riding in the car, the thumb goes right in. We've tried the "proven effective" stuff you paint on the nail. She didn't care. We even painted it on her whole thumb. She didn't care. (To be honest, neither did I when my parents put it on me.) We may have found what will work.

We recently bought a bottle of Tabasco just for her - not to eat, but to use for "mouth violations." Talking back, being ugly or rude, etc. And yesterday, I put it on her thumb when I saw her sucking it. She'd had one warning that it would happen. But she forgot. She also forgot it was on there and put the thumb in her mouth. Today, it got put on again. She screamed at me for 10 minutes, mostly just, "AHHHHHH!" but there was a frequent, "I don't like this!" and "I don't want this!" And "Get it off." If told her no, held my breath and prepared for my own tears. She didn't say she didn't like me. She didn't say she hated me. And a few minutes later I asked her, "Abby, do you love me?" Her answer? "Yes I love you. But I don't love that hot stuff."

She'll never make it in the bayou.

Who Are YOU?

2006-06-27T14:31:00.000-04:00

I don't usually post more than once a day, but today I was checking my Site Meter and saw hits from all over the place. Lots of places in the US, but some even from other countries like Canada, Australia, and California!!

So, do me a favor, and post a quick response if you regularly check my blog. You don't have to put any more info than you want to in the post, but let us know who's out there!

Politically INcorrect

2006-06-26T19:32:00.000-04:00

WARNING: This blog contains subject matter which may make you think of less of me. Read at your own risk!

I loved Patrick Mead's blog recently where he talked about being honest on a blog (http://tentpegs.blogspot.com/2006/06/truth-or-not-truth.html). So here I go, being honest.

It drives me crazy when you go into a store in America or call a business in America and you are greeted and "served" by someone who barely speaks English. I love that people come to America to build a life for themselves and their children. I get that most of the first Americans did not speak English. And some of my favorite people are from other countries who are either permanently or temporarily living in the states (Juliana? Esteban?)

The difference? Our forefathers learned English. They knew they had to learn to make it. And most of the people I know, in the years I have known them (both examples I have known about four years) are improving their English.

I remember Jimmy and I taking my dad's cousin, Terry, and his wife, Katherine, into Manhattan several years ago. Terry and Katherine are chicken-farmers in Alabama, and before you go thinking they are back-woods red-necks, know this - they make more money than most people I know. Anyway, we got into The City and Katherine needed a watch battery. We went into a multi-story K-Mart (in and of itself an interesting experience) and once we found the jewelry counter, could find not a single employee who could help us because none of them spoke clear enough English. And I don't mean Alabama English. I mean good ole' English.

Yesterday I was on the phone with a major satellite television provider (it's much cheaper here than cable!) The first two people I spoke with I had to ask for someone I could understand. I did it politely. I wasn't rude about it. But the first lady, each time I would say, "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" YELLED at me, as if volume was the problem. If you own a business, please expect your employees to communicate in the language this country has chosen, especially on the telephone.

When Jimmy and I visited Brazil two years ago, we got by on minimal Portuguese (pregnant=gravida, which I was) but we were only there for two weeks. If you're going to live in another country, learn their language, their customs and their laws. It's the only way to make it ... at least it should be. Learning the language is a big part of a missionary's training for the field.

And if English isn't your native tongue and you are trying to learn it now that you live here - AWESOME!! Welcome to America. If we moved to your country, I would hope you would expect the same from me!

I never imagined ringlets.

2006-06-21T18:37:00.000-04:00

It didn't really shock Jimmy or I when our daughter was born without hair to speak of. It didn't really shock us when she turned one without hair ... or even two without hair. I was bald until I was three. He was bald ... well ... he's bald again. But somewhere between two and three it started coming. It seemed kind of reddish - again, not too far from what we expected. Her Uncle Christopher has red hair, her maternal great-grandmother was a strawberry blond and her maternal great-great-grandmother was a red-head. Her father and her maternal grandfather both grow red facial hair.

But it finally grew past being a "boy haircut" (although right around her third birthday, a man in Walmart asked me if I was "sure" she was a boy.) And one day I saw it. The slightest little turn under. Now, my hair won't even perm, so I still figured it would end up straight when it really started to grow. I was just happy it was growing. But with the length came more curl. At four and a half, my daughter has the most amazing ringlets coming off of her head.

What else about her is going to be even more amazing than I can now imagine? She's certainly smarter than I dreamed, more loving and funny and playful. Are the dreams I have for her future even remotely as incredible as the dreams God has for her?

And I wonder what other things I underestimate. I recently heard a different take on what hell would be like. Maybe not so much a fiery furnace as a rotting, stinky pit. But as I thought about, I realized that the worst thing about hell won't be the weather conditions or even the company, but that whatever the BAD is of hell, being there will mean you are totally removed from God. Absolutely no comfort. Absolutely no peace. That will be what makes hell ... hell.

I love "I Can Only Imagine," recorded by several Christian artists. I don't think our human, earthly brains can even begin to imagine what it will be like in heaven. And I know this what I imagine may be as great as straight hair on a bald three year old. But I believe that what heaven will really be, will be even better than those precious ringlets.

Brave

2006-06-19T14:28:00.000-04:00

Today our new theme song hit me like a ton of bricks. It's a song I've been familiar with for about 6 months now, but never heard it like this before. If you know where we are, what we see before us, you'll hear the powerful meaning behind these words. Why it so accurately sums up what seems to be the focus of our life right now. Interestingly enough, Nichole Nordeman wrote this song after her son was born. And a part of why we're doing what we're doing is so that our children have a stronger faith and a better history to stand on.

So, the fifth Sanders Family Theme Song: Brave, by Nichole Nordeman

The gate is wide; The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground, you're safe and sound
And until now it's where I've been
'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything
But it's been love, Your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave: Brave

I am small, and I speak when I'm spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
I say Your name, just Your name and I'm ready to jump
Even ready to fall
Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave: Brave

I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in me
That changes everything
So long, I'm gone

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave: Brave

2006-06-11T17:16:00.000-04:00

Today I loaded my kids in the mini-van and got onto I-71. As they watched The Ballad of Little Joe, there were moments when I seriously considered not taking the exit on my directions and continuing south through Columbus and Cincinnati, through Kentucky and Tennessee and finally over the Mississippi. I was tempted to keep going across the rice fields of eatern Arkansas and get my children and I back where my heart aches to be.

I didn't. I took the exit and instead saw mid-Ohio until I got to Lewis Center. Y ou see, this blog has helped me form a new friendship. Several months ago a had a comment posted from a total stranger. I wrote her, she wrote me back. Over the course of things, we discovered a common connections: I was moving back to Ohio and she lived near Columbus. She has provided so much encouragement throughout the process of our move, but a few weeks ago, I found out she and her family are now moving to Nashville. So with not much time left in the same state, we visited their church today.

What a blessing it was. I felt immediately embraced and welcomed. I felt surrounded by a group of Christians who were striving to spread the message of God and to strengthen the faith of those who were already there. And elder kept the babies in the nursery during church!! I needed the encouragement I got this morning. Thank you, Alum Creek, for the love you poured on me today.

I pray God's blessings and strength on David and Suzie Estes as their family moves to Tennessee and takes on a difficult ministry, but one that has the potential to reach young people who may have no other exposure to the message of Christ. I pray the house they are buying without seeing it is a place where their family can find rest and where God's love can be shown. I pray that a friendship created ver the Internet can grow and grow over the Internet. I pray I can be an encouragement to her as she has been to me.

The History of a House

2006-06-06T23:55:00.000-04:00

(look at the blog under this for pictures!)

Jimmy and I bought our first house in November of 1999. It was a two-story, blue-sided house, with two bedrooms and one bathroom. It had 1090 square feet and a great yard. It served us well for about a year and a half, but two things made us re-evaluate the house. First, we had taken over the youth group at our church. As the group got bigger, it got harder and harder to cram teenagers into the living room. They began flowing out into the dining room, which made it hard for everyone to focus. We also started thinking about expanding our family. Two bedrooms were fine for Jimmy and I, and even for our first child. But we began to talk about what kind of space we would need looking forward five years. And so when I was a few months pregnant with Abigail, we began construction.

The addition was 20x24 and was built entirely by Jimmy, his father, Jim, and his brothers, Craig and Christopher. On the first floor, we built a huge family room – 15x19. Jimmy wired his surround sound into the walls. We put a mudroom beside it, leading into the kitchen. It enabled me to move my washer and dryer out of the basement. The entire second floor was a master suite. We built his-and-hers closets. Jimmy’s was big enough to convert into a bathroom with a toilet, sink and shower-stall. Mine was big enough for an entire bathroom – toilet, sink and full-sized tub. We built a small porch off of the second floor. Our old bedroom got new pink gingham wallpaper and a brand new crib.

Abby was born November 16, 2001. Christmas came, and with it, something else. Jimmy realized that he wanted to do more than just give a little bit of himself to serving God and others. Three days into the new year, our family of three (colicky-baby included) loaded in the car and we began looking at Christian schools. After a lot of thought and driving and praying and crying (I almost cut Abby’s finger-off somewhere in Arizona) we decided that Harding University’s School of Biblical Studies was the best choice for us. Leaving the teens we had grown so close to was hard, but we knew it was the right thing to do. And a part of us hoped that perhaps the road of life would return us to Ashland.

We had no idea what would come. Jimmy expected two years of school. Jimmy got four. I expected a time of transition. I found the life I always wanted. And with time, the idea of a full-time role with a church became less and less appealing to us, instead we chose a path of vocational-ministry. Where a “real job” pays your bills, but you get Bible and ministry training to start new churches or strengthen existing churches. This is becoming more and more common in areas outside of the Bible-belt. But we were at an impass. If he was going to “just get a job,” Jimmy wanted to be back in Ashland. But as I said, I had found the life I had always wanted. Nothing in me wanted to move back.

And yet on March 26, we worshipped one last time with the best family of Christians we could ask for. And we drove away. I sobbed for hours. I never doubted God’s faithfulness. I knew He could bring great things from the decision Jimmy had made and I had submitted to. But it meant leaving my life for a place that I felt like had very little for me. We weren’t back long when I found one thing that had been very much me could again be mine. Our house.

It was for sale. It had been for a year. It was listed for $8,000 less than we sold it for. There was an open house and we went, not so much because we were seriously thinking about it, but for the nostalgia. And, oh was it overwhelming. In every room memories flooded my mind and heart. Rubbing my huge tummy as we put the final touches on our bedroom only two days before Abby was born; the first time my great-grandmother held her first great-grandchild; cramming “our kids” into that tiny living room, and than filling our big family room with them later. The box to Abby’s baby swing was still in the basement. Two pair of Jimmy’s coveralls still hung in the garage. We walked through it again two weeks later with the listing realtor. It might be kind of neat, we thought. We walked through it again a week later with a realtor we know from church. It would be more than neat. It almost feels like it was meant to be.

Baring any surprises, on June 28, it will be our home again. Abby’s room wasn’t changed. It still matches her bedding. Our bedroom wasn’t changed. We’re planning on repainting the family room (let’s just say the color looks a little too much like something out of Cooper’s diaper) and adding the half bathroom downstairs we had originally intended on adding later.

I’m not fooling myself. Moving back into our house will not fill the holes left in my heart by our Searcy parents, precious two-year old twins (and their parents,) an incredible body of believers and the greatest friends a person could ask for. But I hope it begins to show me that I can have a life here that I enjoy and that is full of blessings.

It’s a little scary. Walking back into the life we were living four years ago. Sometimes I fear it’ll seem like the last four years never happened. But in my heart I know that all we have done and seen and learned and loved in Searcy and Heber Springs and Tulsa and Belo Horizonte will only make the life we live at 403 Sharp St. richer. The history of our family really began there. And now it’s our present and our future.

2006-06-06T23:00:00.000-04:00

Our Mudroom -
we'll add a half bath where the cabinet is.

Our Yard -
Jimmy wants to put deck on at some point. Abby just wants her swingset out!

Our Family Room -
Imagine the walls a different color!

Our Kitchen -
It needs a new stove! It as old and in bad shape when we lived there before! And the cabinets will be a new color.

Our Dining Room -
The back of the door will match the kitchen cabinets.

Abby's Bedroom -
Her first days of life were spent here!

(Technical difficulties are not allowing this picture. One will be posted soon!)

Cooper's Bedroom -
It'll get redone in a couple of months. He LOVES trains!

Our Bedroom -
Oh man. The closets are amazing.

Theme Songs For Life

2006-05-21T09:53:00.000-04:00

Jimmy and I were fans of Ally McBeal. The characters were full of funny quirks and habits that always made us laugh. My favorite was John Cage, so hysterically played by Peter McNichol. When things would get difficult or tense, John would hear his theme song in his head and humming along would calm him down. It started something for Jimmy and I.

Our first theme song, not counting our wedding song, we chose as we were leaving Ashland to move to Searcy. As we cruised out of Amish-country toward the Ozarks, we played Steven Curtis Chapman's The Great Adventure and sang along.

Started out this morning in the usual way: chasing thoughts inside my head of all I had to do today. Another time around the circle try to make it better than the last, I opened up the Bible and I read about me. Said I'd been a prisoner and God's grace had set me free. And somewhere between the pages it hit me like a lightning bolt: I saw a big frontier in front of me and I heard somebody say "let's go"!

Saddle up your horses we've got a trail to blaze. Through the wild blue yonder of God's amazing grace. Let's follow our leader into the glorious unknown. This is a life like no other - this is The Great Adventure!

Come on get ready for the ride of your life. Gonna leave long faced religion in a cloud of dust behind. And discover all the new horizons just waiting to be explored. This is what we were created for!

We'll travel over, over mountains so high. We'll go through valleys below Still through it all we'll find that this is the greatest journey that the human heart will ever see. The love of God will take us far beyond our wildest dreams

After about nine months in Searcy, we had made several trips back to Ashland and something was very clear. It wasn't our home anymore. The reasons we had to leave were more obvisou than ever. While the message of The Great Adventure was still quite true, a new song seemed to hit our hearts deeper. It was I'm Moving On by Rascal Flats.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons. Finally content with a past I regret. I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness. For once I'm at peace with myself. I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long - I'm movin' on.

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces. Each one is different but they're always the same. They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it, they'll never allow me to change. But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong - I'm movin' on.

I'm movin' on - At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me and I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone. There comes a time in everyone's life when all you can see are the years passing by and I have made up my mind that those days are gone.

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't. Stopped to fill up on my way out of town. I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't, I had to lose everything to find out. Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road - I'm movin' on.

It's no secret that I found myself in Searcy. And so in Feb. when Jimmy made the decision to return to Ashland, another song became my theme. It was Casting Crown's Praise You in This Storm.

I was sure by now that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away; Stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say "Amen" and it's still raining. As the thunder rolls I barely hear Your whisper through the rain "Im with you." And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind. You heard my cry. You raised me up again. My strength is almost gone, how can I carry on? If I can't find You. As the thunder rolls I barely hear Your whisper through the rain "Im with you." And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

I'll praise You in this storm and I will life my hands. For You are who You are no matter where I am. Every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand. You never left my side and though my heart is torn. I will praise You in this storm.

I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from?My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth.

Now we're back in Ashland. Our life is slowly starting to begin again. Jimmy starts work Monday. We have new ministries we are already a part of. We might (if you have a second, mention this one to God) even get our old house back. It's the house we lived in when Abby was born and her bedroom has not been changed. We put a huge addition on it right before we moved and never really got to enjoy it. We've been in it three times and each time it feels more and more like our home, not like a house we used to live in.

Anyway, I'm not sure what our song is now. I mean, there are several that bring tears to my eyes these days, but I haven't yet found one that really speaks to everything my heart is feeling right now. More important, speaks to everything our family is feeling right now. Any suggestions?

The Best Birthday Present!!!

2006-05-06T21:03:00.000-04:00

Today I gave myself the best birthday present ever: I did something fun for my kids. Jimmy and I took Abigail and Cooper to see Dora's Pirate Adventure Live! in Cleveland. They had a blast. We didn't tell them where we were going and they were both so excited to see that poster hanging in the lobby of the theatre. They had a great time singing and going along with the show; waving their pirate flags and seeing Dora and friends work to have a pirate adventure.

No gift I could have opened would have made me happier than this awesome time with my children. I remembering thinking: "THIS is being a mom." When you don't care that the day of your birthday is the day Dora is live at a theatre near you. When birthday money doesn't buy clothes but buys your daughter and son 90 minutes of excitement. When you're not thinking about it being YOUR birthday, but you're thinking about bringing joy to their sweet faces.

And it's been a while since I bragged on Jimmy, so I will. There were a lot more moms there than dads, but Jimmy wasn't the only one there. But he was on of the few fathers who had fun. Most of the men were too concerned with looking stupid to sing along or get up and dance on dancing mountain or clap along to the music. Jimmy had as much fun as the kids' did, in part because he's a big kid himself, but also because he knew how much fun they were having.

It was the perfect way to spend my birthday.

United 93

2006-04-29T22:36:00.000-04:00

United 93

We just got home from seeing United 93, the critically-acclaimed movie detailing the final moments of the place that crashed in Pennsylvania on September 11. This is not a movie you see more than once. Like Mel Gibson's The Passion, the first time is so gripping, so horrifying, a second time isn't needed.

Several things grabbed me watching this movie. It does an amazing job of capturing the chaos of our country that day. As air traffic controllers and the military struggled to know what was happening and what should be done, three weapons of mass destruction hit their targts. They heard the word "planes." I cannot imagine knowing that at least one of the four to five thousand planes on your radar is hijacked. I cannot imagine being in a position of asking the president what the rules of engagement are regarding a commercial airline.

I can remember sitting at my desk on the second floor of Founders Hall at Ashland University. We had a campus wide meeting to go to that day. We were supposed to leave our office about 10:45. By then we'd all heard what had happened. My brother and I were trying to find our uncle who works in Washington D.C. I thought of many friends who live in New York city. I wondered how to get word to my parents who were living in Nigeria. But most of all, I rubbed my swollen belly. Wondering what kind of world I was bringing my daughter into.

Something else I think about are the hundreds of heros of that day. In NYC, the police and firefighters who served without questions. What bravery. And in the sky over Pennsylvania, the men who were willing to lose their lives to keep the plane they were on from hitting it's target, even though they didn't know what it was. Such sacrifice.

Finally, I was struck by the faith and dedication of the hijackers. They believed as strongly in what they were doing as Jesus did when he gave His life. They believed that their actions were right in the eyes of their God. At one point the movie shows passengers praying the Lord's Prayer and hijackers praying in Arabic. If you know Nicole Nordeman's song, What If, think about it for a moment. (http://www.christianlyricsonline.com/artists/nichole-nordeman/what-if.html) There are a lot of people with great, strong faith -- in the wrong thing. Is yours right?

Kindergarten

2006-04-27T09:03:00.000-04:00

Jimmy and I are weighing the pros and cons of letting Abigail start kindergarten early. By most state guidelines, she would not start kindergarten until 2007. But in Ohio, we can apply for her to be granted early admission. The first step the school board asks parents to do is to read over materials on early admission. As we read over the information they’ve given us, we decided to ask your advice: the people who know and love Abby.

Pros: Abby is already noticeably smart for her age, well-ahead of many of her peers; she learns things very quickly and remembers, as opposed to quickly memorizing something, but then forgetting it the next day. (She has memorized 26 Bible verses, one for each letter of the alphabet!) She is tall for her age and extremely comfortable with people. We are concerned another year of preschool before kindergarten will bore her, since much of what her class mates would be learning, she already knows.

Cons: Research seems to show that the majority of kids who start kindergarten young do not do as well in the long run on standardized testing and in the classroom. Being the youngest in the class also means kids may tend to be more prone to peer-pressure. Kids who start kindergarten younger are less likely to be in honors classes later in school.

Please feel free to give us your completely uneducated opinion, your slightly educated opinion, or to do a little research along with us (there is tons on the web, more than we can read through) and tell us what you think!!

Sleeping Beauty

2006-04-08T17:34:00.000-04:00

No matter what time I go to bed, my alarm (usually Cooper) always goes off too early. I don't think either of my kids are deep sleepers ---- let me rephrase. Abby wasn't a deep sleeper as a toddler, and Cooper is not a deep sleeper as a toddler. Abby is just now getting to where she likes to lay in a warm, cozy bed. In fact, not long ago, she gave such a resistance to getting out of bed and getting in the shower to get ready for church that she ended up with multiple spankings. (I won't give a number for fear you'll call D.H.S.)

When we were still in Searcy, Cooper woke up at the sound of the coffee pot coming on at 5:45 a.m. (and no, he does not sleep in the kicthen.) He can usually get himself back to sleep for another hour or so, but I am generally up shortly after 7.

Does this mean I'm an adult now? I've come to the place in life where "sleeping in" means still laying in my bed at 7:30. 7:30??? Whatever happened to 10:30? Whatever happened to Noon? I slept until 2:oo p.m. more than once during college. And not just on the weekends.

It's part of why visiting our families is so great. The boy wakes up, I sleepily walk him into where one of his grandparents are and I sleepily walk back to my bed. I'm in Maryland right now so I walk him down to my dad (we'll talk about his sleep habits in a moment) who gets Cooper's breakfast ready. But even at my parents', I'm still only sleeping until 8:30 or so. I wake up and have too much on my mind to get back to sleep. I am on vacation, though, so even then I don't always get up. Sometimes I lay there and think about the days when I would still be asleep. Sometimes it puts me back to sleep. Most of the time, though, I get up and go about my day as a grown-up. My dad wakes up at 6 because he loves the quiet. I love the quiet, too. It makes it easier to sleep.

On Vacation From Life

2006-04-04T20:56:00.000-04:00

On Vacation From Life

The kids and I are at my parents' house in Salisbury, MD. We flew here yesterday for a two and a half week visit. This morning we went with my mom to an outlet mall and got the kids' Easter outfits at Strasburg. What a dangerous store. Amazingly precious matching outfits for boys and girls. http://www.strasburgchildren.com/ The prices are high, but the clearence rack is nice!!

We got started on getting settled in Ashland before the kids' and I left. Our things arrived on Wednesday and we got everything either into the house or stored in the barn by Friday. We began unpacking and setting up our new space. Abby's room is adorable. We made some styrofoam flowers to hang on the walls. Thanks for the idea, Tanya Leckie! I'll post pictures later this week.

I have great in-laws, but I am already having a hard time living in someone else's home. If you want to go to bed, you can't very well tell them to turn down the TV. If your kids are napping, you can't very well tell them to be quiet. I don't want to leave dishes in the sink because I don't want my mother-in-law to think I think she's my maid. I hate that my kids are losing the "specialness" of their grandparents' house. When we would visit, they would get away with a little more. But it's their home now, too, and I won't let them be spoiled.

Jimmy is back in Ashland, beginning the process of finding a job. Please continue to pray for us. For patience, for grace, for clear answers.

The Long Goodbye

2006-03-26T22:35:00.000-05:00

Here I am, posting from Goodletsville, TN where my family has stopped for the night. Yesterday we loaded everything we own - 18 feet of things - into a trailer. We had so much help moving. Some of my girlfriends had a blast going through my fridge to stock theirs. James McDuffie can lead singing but he can't use a power tool. Jimmy Woodell got all his carpter's pencils back and Todd Wyatt and Sam Shores played with bubbles. Man are we blessed.

Saturday night they gathered around us at the church for a going away party. We ate and fellowshipped and laughed and laughed and laughed. John, Becky Bob, Sam and I played I Spy and Todd got Kami to embarrass herself (and her husband) in front of everyone. Abby and Cooper played till they were exhausted with some of their favorite people in the world. Such encouragement. And such a blessing.

This morning my eyes started leaking with the first song. The idea of leaving a church so focused on God and on the people - saved and lost - around them tears my heart in two. A church where the worship is alive; where the words in the songs are not just words, but conversations with God and with the believers around you. A church where children are embraced and where the leaders will not think only about their faith, but about the faith of the younger generations. I cried the entire time. Our class surounded us, laid their hands on us and prayed. And the goodbyes began ... or ended. I guess I've been saying goodbye for a month now.

After lunch and stops at two houses, we left Searcy. I was glad the kids went to sleep so quickly because then Abby couldn't see me sobbing. I don't know how long I cried because I eventually fell asleep. I drifted off begging, "Please, please God - don't let him do this. Do something to make him turn around."

He didn't. I know that God CAN force us to change the path we are on; but I also know that more often than not, he expects us to choose the path and then serve Him on it. Being married, I don't get to choose. Or I guess I got one choice and I made it six and a half years ago. Now I get to go along with his choices. What I get to choose it to continue to honor God by going along.

So go I go. But I gotta tell you - I'm sick and tired of saying goodbye. And I'm not sure I'll do it much more. Everything we go through changes us. This is changing me.

The Luckiest Little Sister

2006-03-21T14:35:00.000-05:00

I am so proud to be Marc Kondrup's sister.

Almost a year ago, my brother's life took a drastic turn. Everything he thought was his life, was taken away from him. In the aftermath of choices in and out of his control, he was faced with deciding how he would step forward.

Marc made the best choice. My parents and I don't live close to him, so he looked to his church family for support and strength and they poured it out onto him. Through them he was led into a deeper relationship with God. A life that a year ago was lived a little bit for Christ is gone and in its place is a life that seeks God's guidance, that shares God's grace and that shows God's love.

Our circumstances aren't the same, but I can learn such lessons from his life this past year. Faced with losing what was important, he came to realize that when what should be important IS important, you can't lose it.

I am so proud to be his sister. A year ago we were siblings and occasionally friends. Today we are siblings with a friendship that is getting deeper and deeper all the time. It means so much to me to hear him tell me he loves me, that he is proud of me because a year ago, I didn't feel very important to him.

I'm not thankful for the things that led to the New Marc. But I am so thankful for the New Marc. And I am so very excited to see what God does with the New Marc. This Marc is so eager to be used for the kingdom. And I am so eager to be his sister.

Good Riddance

2006-03-14T11:05:00.000-05:00

I was kidnapped last night. Only seconds after putting my daughter to bed, six women in not-so-dark clothing snuck in our garage and through our side door. Grabbing me by the arms they drug me to their get-a-way minivan and drove to an Underground location. The entire two and a half hours I was in their custody, it took all of my strength not to cry.

We sat and told stories about tantrums and tattoos, sex and childbirth, spanking and endowments. We tried to avoid contact with the intoxicated man who kept trying to talk to us. We laughed and laughed and quickly filled any silence. I couldn’t handle the quiet. Because when it got quiet, I was reminded of why we were there. They were saying good bye to me.

Background music played the whole time, but I don’t think any of them heard the songs. I really only heard one. Good Riddance (The Time of Your Life) by Green Day.

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

I have had the time of my life. And I have been grabbed by the wrist and turned onto a fork in the road I would not have chosen. So here I am, trying to make the best of this test and not ask why. This fork wasn’t so unpredictable, though. I guess I always knew it was coming.

What has been unpredictable is that I would find such a life here in Searcy. First of all, I’m an ACU girl, we're taught quickly how dreadful Searcy is. Second, when we crossed the Mississippi River into Arkansas in January of 2002 my words were, “This state smells bad. We are NOT moving here.” Third, this was supposed to be a transitional place. And yet it’s where my life has become the best. It’s where I have become a person I feel really good about – for the first time.

Thank you to the women who showed up here last night (and the one who was home sick.) My steering team. My sisters. My examples. My friends. My God-in-the-flesh. You have touched me deeper than you will ever know. Leading with you has been such a blessing to me. God is crafting each of you into such awesome, awesome women. I think we're on the verge of seeing Searcy MOPS do some great things. I will pray every day that God blesses what you are doing.

Something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right. I have had the time of my life.

Who Am I?

2006-03-02T10:33:00.000-05:00

One of the biggest challenges I think we face as Christians comes as we look at life and seek to apply Biblical concepts. I think we could describe the same life-struggle to five people and they would each pick a different Bible story and say, "Well, that's like ... " And they may all be right in their analogy. But for me, someone comparing a struggle in my life to a struggle in David's life doesn't make me smack myself in the head and say, "You're right. Why am I down?!"

I know that God will work all things for good. But that doesn't mean I can look at the situations in my life right now and giggle with anticipation at how He might do that. Knowing that God can bring great things out of terrible choices does bring a level of peace. But I'm not strong enough yet to look down the road a week or a month or six months and think, "Oh, goodie. I can't wait to see!" I guess because I think things will get worse before they get better, even when you trust things will get better.

So who am I? In the past five days I've been called:

Esther (God has been preparing me for "such a time as this.")
Joseph (going to a land that seems to have nothing for me, but maybe I have something for it)
The Israelites (entering a period in my own desert)
Sarah (gotta trust that husband, ya never know who's been talking to him!)
Job (things taken away as a test of faith)
Abraham (did "The Lord will provide" mean Abraham knew God would provide a ram or did it mean Abraham knew God could provide another son?)
Jonah (if I won't go willingly, God'll leave me no choice but to smell like fish)

Right now I don't want people to use Sunday school stories to cheer me up. It doesn't work.

Right now I am Tiffany Sanders. I have the most useful life and ministries I have ever had. For the first time in my life, I want to play a role in reaching others, not just in strengthening people who know God. I have friends like I have never had (with two exceptions.)

My four year old daughter - and everyone who knows her knows she is not a typical four year old - has a fan club. People everywhere know her and their days are better when they see her. She has friends here she will miss. Yesterday we picked up her first dance recital costume - she won't wear it for the recital because we'll be gone. She's sad because she will miss the weeks of school when they talk about V, W, X, Y and Z.

My son is one. He won't remember this town, this house, this church. That breaks my heart.

My husband is struggling with depression. He has been for months but has fought getting help. In a sense, he is still fighting it. So now, whatever Bible character you want to paint me as, I am first Jimmy's wife. And he thinks Ohio will help his depression so I will submit to that choice.

Even when you see me crying, don't think I doubt this: deep down in my heart, even as it breaks, I trust that God will work this for good. Knowing that makes it easier, but it doesn't stop the pain entirely. So give me room to grieve and don't jump on me everytime you see me at a weak point.

2006-02-27T21:35:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry there is nothing funny or touching to write about these days. Our home is not a happy one. My thoughts and feelings - in this forum - are chosen carefully. Right now, everything I say and feel is being over-analyzed and misread and criticized.

So all I will do is ask you to pray for us.

Jimmy is very conflicted and scared.
I am having mini-seizures again and I am basically left to wrap up everything here.
Abby does not want to leave. (Yeah, yeah. She's four. She'll get over it.) For the first time, she is not looking forward to going to Ohio.
Cooper is having tubes put in his ears March 8 and tonight smacked his eye onto the edge of Abby's dresser. It looks like he lost a big boxing match.