One Year Later

Today I took a quick sprint down memory lane. It had to be with running shoes on, not a warm-happy-feeling stroll or else I would be a wreck. The fast look back was hard enough.

I read my post from one year ago today. http://sandersii.blogspot.com/2006_03_26_archive.html I remembered the laughter as we packed our trailer and the party on Saturday night. I remembered waking up Sunday morning at The Wyatt's and determining not to start crying. That only lasted until we actually got to church. And in class, I remembered Terry Kernodle asking everyone to gather around us to pray over us. I remembered that Jimmy, Cooper and I got Mexican food for lunch, but Abby got to go to Doc's Grill with Kadie. And I remembered driving through Bald Knob, wishing he would turn around.

He didn't. So here we are one year later. Jimmy told me not long ago that I was right about moving. It didn't reall solve the problems he hoped it would. He even offered to turn around.

I didn't take him up on it. Maybe it should've made me happy to hear him admit he was wrong, but it didn't. Life goes on. And I knew it would a year ago. It was why I didn't want to leave. I didn't want it to go on without me there and I didn't want to go on without it here.

I am not ashamed to say I have been blessed because of our move. I am smart and honest enough to say that there are blessings in my life right now that I would not have if we had not come back north. But that's not me saying, "You were right," too all of you who lectured me about the hard time I was having with the move, because I knew that then. I knew that because I believe in a God who will not abandon us. In a God who will provide what we need when we need it. I just sometimes wish He would provide what we want every time we want it as well.

But then again, who knows where that would put me. I might have married a photographer and be a totally and completely different person than I am now. And I am blessed to have my Marine as a husband. What I wanted when I wanted it would have given Jimmy and I different children since I didn't get pregnant as soon as I wanted to. And I certainly wouldn't trade Abby or Cooper for anything.

I still don't really want to be here.

But I don't want to be there either. In fact, next week we're going for our first visit back since we moved and I am terrified. My little Razorback is excited to see his friends (and he needs a new windsuit, his is too small but he still wants to wear it all the time.) Abby has been talking about this trip for so long and everyday lists off people she can't wait to see. But it broke my heart to explain to her that we weren't MOVING back, we were just visiting.

I don't want to be here, but here is where I am. And each day, I try to make the most of it. Some days are harder than others. But I believe in a God who will use us where we are, and who will slowly shape us into who He wants us to be, regardless of our zip code.