Who Am I?

One of the biggest challenges I think we face as Christians comes as we look at life and seek to apply Biblical concepts. I think we could describe the same life-struggle to five people and they would each pick a different Bible story and say, "Well, that's like ... " And they may all be right in their analogy. But for me, someone comparing a struggle in my life to a struggle in David's life doesn't make me smack myself in the head and say, "You're right. Why am I down?!"

I know that God will work all things for good. But that doesn't mean I can look at the situations in my life right now and giggle with anticipation at how He might do that. Knowing that God can bring great things out of terrible choices does bring a level of peace. But I'm not strong enough yet to look down the road a week or a month or six months and think, "Oh, goodie. I can't wait to see!" I guess because I think things will get worse before they get better, even when you trust things will get better.

So who am I? In the past five days I've been called:

Esther (God has been preparing me for "such a time as this.")
Joseph (going to a land that seems to have nothing for me, but maybe I have something for it)
The Israelites (entering a period in my own desert)
Sarah (gotta trust that husband, ya never know who's been talking to him!)
Job (things taken away as a test of faith)
Abraham (did "The Lord will provide" mean Abraham knew God would provide a ram or did it mean Abraham knew God could provide another son?)
Jonah (if I won't go willingly, God'll leave me no choice but to smell like fish)

Right now I don't want people to use Sunday school stories to cheer me up. It doesn't work.

Right now I am Tiffany Sanders. I have the most useful life and ministries I have ever had. For the first time in my life, I want to play a role in reaching others, not just in strengthening people who know God. I have friends like I have never had (with two exceptions.)

My four year old daughter - and everyone who knows her knows she is not a typical four year old - has a fan club. People everywhere know her and their days are better when they see her. She has friends here she will miss. Yesterday we picked up her first dance recital costume - she won't wear it for the recital because we'll be gone. She's sad because she will miss the weeks of school when they talk about V, W, X, Y and Z.

My son is one. He won't remember this town, this house, this church. That breaks my heart.

My husband is struggling with depression. He has been for months but has fought getting help. In a sense, he is still fighting it. So now, whatever Bible character you want to paint me as, I am first Jimmy's wife. And he thinks Ohio will help his depression so I will submit to that choice.

Even when you see me crying, don't think I doubt this: deep down in my heart, even as it breaks, I trust that God will work this for good. Knowing that makes it easier, but it doesn't stop the pain entirely. So give me room to grieve and don't jump on me everytime you see me at a weak point.